Kat’s Pause 

I took some pictures. I’m proud of them, but don’t look if you’re offended or embarrassed by nipples.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

Ephemeral

DODOF now dies after half an hour. I discovered this useful fact half an hour into my cultural studies class and had to write the rest of my notes on my SIN card replacement receipt. I see a Macbook in my future. Ben wants to pay for at least part of it; I’m hesitant to let him.

Mood’s better. Work was fun today. It’s unbelievable what a difference it makes whom you’re working with.

Moody lately. Depressed tonight.

I don’t know if anyone remembers my roses. When I came home from Laurier, I passed the emo plant off to my mother because her thumb is far greener than mine. What do you know, they perked up and are cooperating nicely. Something tells me they needed a mother as much as a gardener.

I have a soft spot for that thorny little attention-whore because its physical health has mirrored my mental health rather uncannily ever since I bought it. So I took its picture, and it thanked me by inspiring a few fun snapshots from around my mother’s garden.

I just took the test twice, several days apart, and it seems I’ve crossed over from INFP to INFJ. I’m not sure why I find this so alarming. Maybe because this past year has got me desperately craving stability? Or because I’m afraid that I’ve still not yet mastered Erikson’s adolescent psychosocial crisis, and as a result will be constantly searching for my identity in other people, thus sabotaging my intimate relationships?

Guess I’d better change my sidebar.

Omigosh, are Micah and Helen back together?

Don’t hate me for hoping!

I seem to be in love again.

I’m okay with that and so is he. Is there anything happier than reciprocation?

Cripes, it still blows my mind how unexpected all of this was. If someone had told me a few months ago that I’d even be speaking to my first love, I would have had a hard time believing them. It was enough of a shock when we started hanging out and discovered the chemistry was still there. But to embark on a serious relationship? Fairly inconceivable. Yet here we are.

My body wants to be pregnant and it’s freaking my mind out. Babies suck! Literally and figuratively! I’m way too young for this biological clock stuff!

Old and American, but good.

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behaviour. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

We joke about it being all my fault that he’s playing WoW again, but it’s true. If I hadn’t started up again this summer, he wouldn’t be playing right now.

Or if I had just taken his installation discs yesterday like we agreed upon. Damn, damn, damn, damn. One day I’ll stop kicking myself for this. Until then, I’m feeling rather bruised.

Got the annual letter: my poem won second prize. Don’t try to talk me out of my disappointment.

Ben unquit WoW. I’m getting deja vu… except Ning lasted longer than 24 hours.

It’s been a fun and completely unproductive day. I suppose it started last night when Ben picked me up at 4am and we discovered that that is precisely when McDonald’s starts serving breakfast. One delicious meal later, we were asleep, and remained that way until my cell phone alarm went off at 8:30am. Ben encouraged me to skip my 9:30 class — as he did with his — but I resisted his foul influence, mostly because that prof is totally cool. I went to my 10:30 class as well, then headed over to my still-sleeping boyfriend’s house. We went out to a fine local pub for lunch, and somewhere in between the conversation and the alcohol, time passed very quickly. Goodbye 2:30 lecture. Back at his house, we popped in some Firefly, and once again my terrifically inaccurate inner clock let me down and I missed my 4:30 class. Oh well. More Firefly!

I blame Ben. He should never have introduced my weak self-discipline to such a fun show. On a related note, I’m happy, albeit still mildly shocked, to say that Ben has quit WoW. Just up and cancelled + uninstalled last night. This pleases me.

I went to Ikea for the first time tonight, and it was a magical experience. Some time ago on a trip to Home Depot I decided to write a poem about those show rooms, the little constructed corners that form complete rooms, because they fascinate me. But even away from those, there’s a cheerfulness that pervades the store, from the large lettered signs in the parking lot to the scrumptious 50-cent hot dogs, and it doesn’t irritate me like the smiley faces in Wal-Mart. I think I could live there.

Other awesome things: Firefly, which I watched for the first time today, and Twilight Princess, which I finally got around to playing last night. I knew it was good, but I didn’t know it was HOLY SHIT SO GOOD. Now I do.

The warm smell of you in the morning,
lying curled into yourself,
still
breathing
shallow;
I’ve woken up first again.

Envy,
of quiet sleep and a peaceful mind,
of contented aloneness,
will doubtless be my downfall.
Looking at you, I crave what I am not.

More than your turned back,
it’s your finger on my cheek that breaks my heart,
your brown eyes opening into mine
so wide that I can’t help fall in.
You will be my beacon on the shore,
smiling warm and dry,
anchored safe.
Rock-strong.

And I, the weak swimmer,
call to you from waves that wash above my head
and though your face lights up the sea,
the water is colder than stone
and I’m too far from you to latch on.

You could sleep forever.
I watch your motionlessness until you rise,
smiling, and whisper to me words I can’t stand
to not hear.
My impermeable darling:
One day I will slip off your smooth surface
and melt into the liquid cold below.

I made a cake. I ate it. It was delicious.

(I didn’t eat all of it… yet.)

I’ve been so domestic and nurture-y lately, it’s disgusting. Though I’m certainly enjoying the steady supply of baked goods.

Life is pretty good. School is school, could be better, could be worse. On Thursday I applied for a new SIN card and used the receipt to pick up my precious OSAP. Work is work: preposterously ill-managed but providing me with an income regardless. Ben is Ben, happy as a Prozac ad in a way that somehow doesn’t get under my skin the way most optimistic people do. The Lair is cold and dark and all mine. I missed having a desk; it warms my geeky heart to see my laptop all pimped out with printer and speakers and wireless mouse and a USB hub just waiting to be filled with goodies.

Alas, while prettier than ever, DODOF isn’t cutting it for school. Running Microsoft Word with the brightness turned down, the battery only lasts an hour, and every day except Tuesday and Friday I have two one-hours classes in a row — three on Monday. I’ve located exactly one outlet among all my lecture halls, cleverly positioned as to be just out of reach of the seats.

So today I went to FutureShop to see if one o’ them smart people could help me. A tree trunk of a man named Steve recommended an Acer (ew) with Vista (ew ew) and a supposed battery life of 2.5 hours (meh). I think I’m going to have to break down and either spend a lot of money or stick with IBM.

I am becoming addicted to chocolate milk. Antidepressants have done wonders for my spastic colon, to the point where I can safely eat dairy again. It is a wonderful world, this milky place of calcium and vitamin D.

The votes have been counted and the latest Canadian Idol is Hamilton’s own Brian Melo, which has this city very excited. For a while now, every vertical surface has been plastered with VOTE FOR BRIAN MELO. I did not, because I hadn’t heard him sing until tonight when my sister turned on the TV and there he was, belting out Radiohead. I was impressed. Hooray for our smelly city.

School is underway and the projects have started. I can’t complain (much) about my courses so far, but OSAP is a different story. I stood in line today for about an hour only to find out that the SIN proof I brought was not acceptable, despite Mac’s website saying differently. The ladies advised me to apply for another SIN card, which I’m still reluctant to officially declare lost, because I’ve kept the thing in the same place in the same drawer pretty much since I got it years ago. I don’t know how it wandered off.

Ben generously offered to drive me to the office where I could apply for a replacement. After some searching, we found the place, only to discover that I needed my birth certificate. At that point we called it quits because he had class and I’d had enough frustration. My classes start at 9:30 and end at 5:20 every Monday to Thursday (I work Fridays), with gaps in between large enough for immense boredom but too small to bus around the city seeking a SIN card. Ben says I should just skip some classes, but I’m even more loathe to do so after one of my profs calculated each of his lectures to cost us about $16.

In happier news, I’m in the process of moving down to the basement. Its previous occupant, my sister Erika, got her own apartment Saturday. The finished space will be my little home, complete with its own door and a mini-fridge she left behind, as well as her computer desk, which I traded Jacob-and-Esau-style for some dish-washing. It lacks a kitchen, but lord knows I don’t cook, and of course I have access to the family’s stuff right upstairs. Dave and I have dubbed my new home The Lair, which I like because it makes me think of StarCraft. I need to get an appropriately sinister welcome mat.

I’ve been eating a lot of ice cream lately for no good reason (but several bad ones). On a good day I’ll have a bit of lactose-free chocolate at home in a cute little cone. On a bad day I’ll blow five bucks on soft serve at TCBY. On a really bad day, I’ll do both. Today falls into the last category.

I don’t know what’s put me in such a foul mood lately. My mouth barely hurts anymore and I can open it almost all the way. I finally sorted out all my courses last night and I’m reasonably happy with them. It’ll mean digging into my ING savings, but I can pay all of the tuition that OSAP isn’t covering and still be able to afford textbooks. Work is work and even though I’ll probably be scheduled in every Friday night from 1 to 9:30, it looks like I’ll only have to come in once or twice a week. Really the only thing left to blame are the mixed signals I’ve been getting from Ben. I don’t feel like getting into that now; suffice it to say I spend a lot of time being confused. But hey, what’s new.

All done with WoW as of today. I got Kattryn to 40 and bought her a skeletal horse before my account expired, so I’m happy. Ben’s trying to get me to play during the school year, but he won’t succeed. I figure, if I’m playing a lot, my schoolwork will suffer, and if I’m not, I’m wasting my money. Better to just abandon it for another 8 months. It may be harder to put it out of my mind since I’ve caused Ben to relapse and now he’s playing constantly. I’m keeping a suspicious eye on him to avoid a repeat of… you know. Being neglected for a computer game is not something I want to experience again.

Because I am a genius, I forgot that my 9:30 class this morning was actually a tutorial and therefore doesn’t take place until next week, so I woke up bright and early at 7:30 after a restless night at Ben’s place (his cat cries more than his brother’s new baby). I stayed overnight there because unlike me, he lives ridiculously close to campus, and I was nervous about being on time for class. When I went to check my classroom locations this morning, I noticed the tutorial and kicked myself, but it was nice to have some extra time before my 10:30 lecture.

Because I am stubborn and didn’t feel like walking the known route to school, I took a left turn when I should have taken a right and of course ended up getting confused by all the cul-de-sacs, courts and drives of the west end. I righted my course soon enough and within a few minutes was officially on campus.

Because I am really terrible for buying food when I’m out, I grabbed breakfast at the cafeteria (carrot muffin and croissant) and wandered around for a while seeking out my lecture halls so that I’d know where to go later. The volume of people in the student centre (where the food places are) made me nervous; I felt like the New Kid not knowing anybody. I ended up with half an hour to kill, so I visited my mother, who works at McMaster Divinity College, in her air-conditioned office.

Finally, class. Developmental Psychology. I was pleasantly surprised to find this out; I was so out of it from pain and drugs when my sister helped me register that I didn’t have much of an idea what courses I was signed up for, and because she was struggling to find just about anything that still had open seats, I didn’t much care. I knew I had three psych courses, some of which interested me and at least one which did not. For this one, the prof seems nice enough and the material appeals to me. She let us out after half an hour because she has the flu and wanted to save her strength.

My next class wasn’t until 4:30. I spent a while going back and forth between the buildings while I got bounced around from department to department trying to register for a second-year biology course. (Life’s hard for transfer students.) Eventually it got sorted out, at least in theory — McMaster’s online student gateway thingy has been protesting under the strain of thousands of students’ anxious checking and I haven’t been able to get in to see whether the administrative assistant managed to register me. But the important thing is that they’re accepting my Laurier biology course as equivalent to McMaster’s, so I can take the level-2 bio I want this year.

With the help of the computer and telephone in my mother’s office, I located the bookstore I needed (there are several) and purchased the first of my very predictably expensive textbooks. I was bored enough to actually sit down under a tree, just like in the movies, and start reading about developmental psychology. When the heat got to be unbearable, I took refuge once again in the Divinity College. My mom had a lot of work to do, so she showed me to a nice cool room in the basement, where I read a few more pages before falling asleep. She woke me up at 4:15 before she went home, and I walked sleepily to the lecture hall that I was glad to have located earlier. I was surprised to see my prof from that morning — along with developmental psych, she’s teaching Cognition and Education. It’s a trial course and the subject doesn’t really pique my interest, but at least it’s psychology.

We were out by 5:00. I bought that course’s textbook, then relaxed in the student centre with a chocolate frozen yoghurt and the local alternative magazine before heading back to Ben’s house. Despite regretting my indulgence of his movie requests just a few days ago with Balls of Fury (a bore), I gave in to watching TMNT while we (very appropriately) ate pizza. It was a pretty fun film. I didn’t quite understand why or how the monsters all spontaneously appeared before being hunted down one by one, but I loved the ferocious little red monster. So feisty.

Tomorrow I have a 9:30 class, for real this time, and I ought to be sleeping right now. Insomnia makes me hate going to bed because I know that being exhausted won’t make it any easier to fall asleep, so I tend to just stay up. If only my body would be normal for once and let drugs knock it out.

Half a tablet of Percocet is staring at me from on top of the bottle. I’ve decided that tonight, for the first time since my surgery almost two weeks ago, I’m going to try to sleep without taking any pain medication. My mouth doesn’t hurt much now — we’ll see if it changes its mind before 8am when my alarm goes off.

Against all, or maybe just some, odds, I managed to get my McMaster ID card today. The lineup at the registrar’s office stretched down the hall, around a corner, down a shorter hall, back down the other side of the hall and around another corner when I joined it at 3:30, the soonest I could make it after bussing down from a doctor’s appointment on the mountain. The office was supposed to close at 4; they stayed open a bit longer to accommodate the huge volume of students, for which I (and assuredly many others) was extremely grateful. I need this card to pick up my OSAP funding, which I’ll probably do Tuesday after my one and only class of the day ends at 10:20. Another long, long wait… assuming I can find the place. I’ve done reasonably well finding my way around the campus so far — I just hope I can do it in a timely manner when classes start Thursday.

Oh my GOD I need female friends.

Who I don’t neglect.

I worked today, despite having a doctor’s note excusing me, because I felt bad for poor understaffed Mariposa. Also my boss kind of put me on the spot when she called me yesterday to “remind” me of my shift today. She said she thought my note didn’t extend until today. I didn’t want to make the other girls scramble to cover for me any more so I just agreed to come in, for six hours instead of eight. It was alright for the first three hours, then the pain started to get really bothersome. But I resisted taking any Percocet for as long as I could, which ended up being right after I closed the store.

So yes, I am feeling much better. The swelling has gone down a lot and I no longer feel like sleeping all the time. The only lingering annoyance is pain: I’m taking as little medication for it as I can, but I still need it to have a chance at being able to sleep at night. Also I can’t open my mouth very wide, and chewing hurts, so my food choices are quite limited. Good thing I like soup.