Kat’s Pause 

I feel so tired, all the time. Sometimes I want to curl up somewhere, ignore all my responsibilities, let everyone forget I exist, and sleep for a long time. Previously fanatical obsessions dwindle into hobbies, and then chores, until I feel like there’s nothing left to get out of bed for. I’d make some apology about how emo this post sounds if it weren’t true.

Getting a cold — one of my first all winter (a rarity). Perfect timing for going up to see Ning this weekend. Le sigh. Maybe I just miss him, maybe I’m just sick, maybe I’m just lazy, maybe I’m just bored/tired/unmotivated, maybe the pills that accidentally made me depressed over the last month aren’t out of my system yet.

The post title is one of those random lines that came into my head today. I’ll put it into a poem when I’m feeling less whatever, so that I don’t risk producing something atrociously angsty. Those always bug me later.

In other news: I like Mogwai.

kathrynkelly: I wish my appetite had socks.
socklessappetite: One day it shall
kathrynkelly: Excellent.

I’m aware that I now have no excuse for finishing Lost Time; exams and post-exam celebrations are over and there’s no school until the 2nd. So, I shall work on that. In the meantime, I’ve been scribbling down random poetry ideas that come in my head. I might post them when they’re more complete and polished. I still feel funny writing poetry, like I’m doing something I shouldn’t, as if I should leave poetry to the poets and just write stories. I still don’t “get” most of the “real” poetry I read — it just looks like a jumble of interesting words, but I don’t grasp the meaning. If there is one. Feh.

Word of the day: amaranthine - adj. - of, relating to, or resembling the amaranth; of an imaginary flower that never fades; eternally beautiful and unfading; everlasting; deep purple-red. [props to Betelgeux]

I like order, sense, and exact measurements. I follow directions and recipes to the letter. I have no idea how much “a little bit” is. But I’m having a odd day today — don’t feel like doing anything, don’t want to go through the rain to get T2T or do all the little errands on my to-do list, just wanna sleep and sit and maybe write. I decided to make a milkshake, only I was bored of the taste, so I added some whipped cream as per a suggestion I either remember or imagined Ren saying on the Swordsmen Jr forums. It didn’t mix in too well because I was too lazy to get out the blender, and I didn’t really taste much difference. Then I saw some imitation lemon-lime soda sitting in the fridge, and something possessed me to put it in my milkshake. So I did. And it tasted good. I am proud of myself. The end.

Laziness is mankind’s motivation.

The pinnacle of human achievement is self-actualization through self-awareness.

Art, that absence of purpose, is what separates us from animals.

Crying alone never helps.

Complete objectivity is unattainable; you will always be a function of your past, your prejudices, and your emotions.

Suicide is the most selfish action a person can take.

Bad habits aren’t bad until they become subconscious and/or uncontrollable.

Acknowledging your faults does not excuse them.

Wrong is an interpretation of normal.

Webcomics were a great idea.

- fin -

And I’ll know when that limit is reached, right? Right?

Of course.

1. MATH IS OVER. The exam sucked, but now I won’t have to do calculus for the rest of my life. BOO-YA.

2. HOLY CHRIST CANADA IS DOOMED. My family is thrilled that the conservatives are in power. Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, the NDP will rise up soon enough. Maybe we’ll even have another nonconfidence vote, snigger snigger.

I have discovered Questionable Content. While not always brilliant, it is often humourous and I have frequently “lol’d.”

And by discovered, I mean managed to NOT click the links provided dozens of times by Sam and Fuzzy and give the archives a chance until today. Yaaaaay Sam Logan. QC is sort of like Diesel Sweeties only toned-down and a lot nicer. And with fewer robots.

I met a guy today playing GW for the first time in months and now he thinks we’re soulmates.

*CREEPED OUT*

Also he wants all my money after I gave him a super expensive sword for free. Not cool, man.

Well at least he knows I have a boyfriend, and he says he has a girlfriend, so I shouldn’t get hit upon. *shudder*

I was busy doing other things yesterday so didn’t give WW another go, but I did today and beat it on my second try. Guess all I really needed was more than 3 hours of sleep.

Yay T2T! …Once exams are over. I have part 2 of my philosophy exam tomorrow (part 3 isn’t until next Friday), calc on Tuesday and lit on Wednesday. All at 9am. At least I only have 3… and these will be my last high school exams ever, because there aren’t any for co-op. Woooo. And I might see Ning next weekend if he can get time away from studying for midterms. That would be really, really nice. It’s been two and a half weeks and looks like it’ll be that long again before I see him. I don’t remember it feeling this surreal not seeing each other for a month.

So, I need more hobbies. (Yes *brilliant*, I already knew that. Great minds think blah blah.) Dancing is a good start… My Fair Lady definitely would have helped. But I’ll be getting a job soon, so that should cut into my empty time somewhat. I don’t think I should be left to myself for too long.

Good news but grouchy tone. A mystery? I’ll let you in on the secret: It’s because I am grouchy. grumble grumble not enough space to hang laundry grumble bad marks in school grumble grumble can’t decide what to major in. grumble.

Oh yeah and um Lost Time. I haven’t forgotten it but I haven’t worked on it either. Maybe this weekend when I want a break from derivatives and related rates? Or to celebrate tomorrow after the exam and because it’ll be Friday. Yaaay Friday.

A combination of forgetting nearly everything I’ve learned in chemistry (which isn’t as much as it should be), 67 on my trig assignment, and failing to chat with my neighbour about that position at Mac has led me to decide that health sciences is not for me. Yet I’ll still be answering those questions on the supplementary application. Why? First, because to only half-apply would be irresponsible, and second, because it would be a great ego boost if I was somehow accepted. I could brag to all my friends at dinner parties: “I turned down an offer to health sciences at McMaster” and they will all stare in wondrous awe, by which I mean blink and possibly look bored.

But the debate continuous: English or Psychology? Learning to write or learning about BWAINS? Holding high hopes of becoming an editor, or having hopes and maybe even plans of finding a legitimate occupation to pay off my student loans?

In case you can’t tell (I didn’t try very hard), I’m sort of leaning toward psych. But the thought of not going into English is still strange. I know it’s not as if I won’t be writing anything for four years, but I could be missing out on a lot of potential English skills. I think I’m the only person my age who actually WANTS to learn about proper grammar usage. Who’d want to lose that?

I really don’t feel like finishing Warrior Within. It’s the little things — the fact that Kaileena can swipe my health at the very beginning before I can move yet, and a stupid glitch where after I die and hit retry, it goes back to the red swords with sword-slashy sounds and displays the RETRY / QUIT again. And again. Frankly, I don’t want to do that little bit of climbing and sit through the short cutscenes every time I die.

Because I die frequently. Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep, I don’t know, but I get progressively worse every time I try to beat her. I got her down to 1/4 health a few days ago before dying myself, but when I tried just now, she murdered me before I got to the first sand-tornado stage.

I’m bored of trying. If I saw myself making progress, I’d keep doing it, but I don’t feel especially hopeful. Maybe I’ll try again, soon or later. Right now I’d rather do schoolwork, and that’s pretty sad.

Got some marks back from philosophy today — my seminar, seminar paper, politics evaluation, and aethetics opinion paper. They all got high 90s and I am SO FRICKING RELIEVED. This is the first time I feel like I made the right decision by dropping philosophy last year.

My sentences are awkward and I’m mixing up small articles. I said I was going to sleep, but got interrupted, and now I’m doing laundry. After that I need to research and memorize all there is to know about Sextus Empiricus.

With Sam and Fuzzy. I know I linked to it a while ago, but I’m ashamed to say that I only briefly looked at it, and afterwards I couldn’t follow the fast-paced storyline from the place I was at, so I sort of abandoned it. Then not too long ago I decided to read through the archives and see if what I was missing.

I think what finally did it for me was Sam Logan’s rants — although maybe they’re inaccurately named, because he’s such an unbelievably nice guy. And we have the same opinions on a lot of stuff. And he likes Ben Folds Five! But anyway, the comic.

I admit I hated Fuzzy at first, but there’ve been a couple redeeming “awww” moments and now I couldn’t imagine NOT reading about his scams and schemes and dead bodies hiding in the possessed fridge. It’s just such an entertaining comic! Who doesn’t want to read about taxis hijacked by the ninja mafia? Who wouldn’t cry when Fuzzy ruins Sam’s life for the umpteenth time, and then they actually have to DEAL with it in the next strip? Okay not cry, but you know what I mean. As for the art, it’s fabulous, of course. Black and white feels strangely refreshing for a comic. Go check ‘em out!

- more free time
- no urgent conflicts on performance nights
- yeah, I really can’t think of anything else.

I’m just tired of being almost good enough. I want to either be the best at something, or suck monkey balls. This in-between business is tiresome.

Math is back to making me feel pitifully inept. I have no clue where to begin with the trig assignment due tomorrow. It’s been two years since I took grade 11 math, and I didn’t pay attention in class then. Trying to beg help from Ning, but writing equations over MSN is difficult.

Despite screwing up a bunch of things in my vocal audition, I got called back for My Fair Lady. They didn’t get me to read for anyone, so I’m looking at chorus or bust, which is fine. We’ll see how callbacks tonight go…

The supplementary application for Mac health sci students consists of several paragraph-answer questions. This is daunting, but it shouldn’t be, because written communication is my forte. I guess it makes me nervous that this is most likely the make-or-break part of applying. At least I have until February 10th to submit it.

Everybody blends genres/programs: I’m designing a brochure for English, writing stories for philosophy, and now writing paragraphs for science. It’s fun to mix things up.

I stood there looking at it for a couple minutes thinking, wtf? Is that really my name up there? Then I started laughing. If I get a higher mark in math than in philosophy, my universe will implode and I’ll have to do something really irrational like thinking I actually have a shot at health sci. The world is a crazy place!

Warrior Within upstairs
Doom 3 untouched somewhere in computer-land
HL2 abandoned a while ago for something else (shame!)
random urges to make another necro in GW
bag of BBQ Doritos beside the monitor
chocolates on just about every flat surface
Important Decisions to ponder

The devil is everywhere! What’s a Kat to do?

A friend asked me if she could use one of my philosophy essays for her final essay in an online course she’s taking next semester. I said maybe. Typically I’ve always said that everyone should do their own work and not copy, blah blah blah, but she’s my friend and she’s asking my permission, and I know it’s not because of a bad work ethic. She tries hard and always hands stuff in, she’s just not very good at English. Since the course is online, it won’t get traced back to me, so there’s no risk for me. She even made up a story to clear my name if they do somehow find out it’s mine. I’m tempted to help her out.

More choices I’m facing: My neighbour works at McMaster, and she told me today about a summer job program avaliable for next-term health sciences students. She wants to put in a good word for me. It sounds like a great opportunity, on the extremely slim chance that I get accepted into health sci, but it would mean living at home still. I really want to go to Laurier and major in something easier (English or psych), but then, doctors and suchlike people make a lot of money. I wouldn’t say no to the summer job if it didn’t mean necessarily going into health sci… and the more I consider this, the more I wonder why I am, because my average isn’t high enough for the program anyway.

I’ll apply, because it can’t hurt and costs even less than applying to the actual program. It might make it a little more complicated to get a part-time job in February because I’ll have to tell all my prospective employers that I may or may not be able to work there in summer depending on acceptance to Mac’s summer program, but… again I’m struck by the silliness of thinking about this.

I have Doom 3 on my computer?

Seriously did not know that. Chris probably installed it like a year ago. Craziness.

I think I also have all the Family Guy episodes stored somewhere. Which reminds me, I still need to watch Office Space before the disk gets scratched up. Not to mention finishing Warrior Within (SO CLOSE), not to mention T2T, but nooooo, it’s all deadlines and and presentations and MORE aesthetics research. I hate aesthetics so much right now, I don’t want to hear the words “art” or “beauty” again for many years.

What started out as a happy post has turned bitter. I blame aethetics. BEAUTY IS NOT IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

But he could just be acting weird because he does that. I don’t know whether to believe him. My first instinct is generally to believe everything, after which my immediate second instinct is to believe nothing.

I’m frightened and amused at the same time… do all boys talk about their nipples this much when they’re intoxicated?

“Perky”

So very true.

No Lost Time writing has gotten done today, but it’s not too late. Off to bed I go, notebook in hand; I always get ideas right before I fall asleep…

I think I will listen to my brand new Christmas present RENT Broadway soundtrack for inspiration.

…On second thought, maybe those are two genres that just shouldn’t mix. Hmm, LotR soundtrack sounds good too.

Random: I’ve been craving so many foods so badly today. Right now I’d kill for a Pepsi. Sweet sticky caffeinated goodness, why aren’t you in my fridge…

I have basically only one paragraph of chapter 7 written out so far, and I don’t like it.

I remembered little of my sun-maddened days; only yellow sand and a kind face. When I recovered enough of my senses, I obtained a scarf to cover my head and face, allegedly to protect me from the harmful sun, but in truth, it offered protection of a far greater sort: the Persian capture of an Indian princess could shatter the tenuous peace between our nations. Upon awakening, I had been relieved to discover that my identity had been disguised by numerous small injuries and the sand that clung to my hair and skin. [etc]

I’m getting tired and my writing is getting worse, so I’ll do some more tomorrow, I promise.

Very cheerful mood right now since I finally got my new literature author tag to work on devART. Yay!

I don’t want to go to bed because tomorrow means schoolwork and a dentist appointment and no Ning. I think I’ll play some WW and try to beat the second golem boss.

From 10 til 4, Ning and his father and I unloaded, unpacked, plugged in, drove around, and shopped. It was kind of fun, and exciting for me. But I’d get bored doing it every four months, which is how often he switches from co-op to school and back.

The ride back was quite pleasant; his father is a good one to be riding in a car with for an hour. We chatted about school, family, travelling… assorted light things. I feel very much not unwelcome.

The only downside was having to admit to still being in high school when Ning’s friends and their parents saw Ning’s room keys around my neck and asked if I was living in that residence too. It makes me feel young and st00pid even though I know I’m at the “normal” grade for my age — I feel so behind with most of my friends away at school and my boyfriend in second year. At least Ning and I will graduate at the same time; that is comforting.

I babysat my neighbour’s daughter on New Years Eve. Ning’s family didn’t go out like they usually do because his brother is sick, so he joined me and played with his PSP while I put the girl to bed. Once she was finally asleep, we watched movies until midnight when he had to go see his brother, after which I watched The Royal Tenenbaums alone and loved it.

And now, time to sleep so that I can get up on time tomorrow to be awake for conversations with Ning’s father. Er.

Oh hell, might as well post some resolutions. I tend to resolve to do things year-round in my head, so I’ll voice some now.

- get a decent job — no fast food
- finish my fanfic
- take swing dancing lessons
- stay with Ning and don’t do anything stupid.

Hmm, the rest of the things I want to do are more hopes than self-promises, like doing well in co-op and getting a part in a local theatre production of My Fair Lady. Anyhow, happy new year to everyone, and may at least some of our resolutions come to pass.

My online university application has been submitted, confirmed, and confirmed, and confirmed again. It is DONE. And the deadline isn’t until January 11, so woot.

I’m excited to live in residence. Eager to get away from my parents’ arguing, rules, and (later) religion, I used to say that I would move out of my house when I turned 16. Plans changed when I discovered I can’t sign anything until I’m 18, and needless to say, since then I’ve realized the implausibility of leaving so soon. But university is a nice middle step. And it won’t hurt that Laurier is a short walk from Ning at Waterloo. We’ve talked briefly about maybe getting an apartment between our campuses in a year or two; we’ll see what happens.

He goes back to school tomorrow, and I’m coming with him and his dad to see him settled into his new residence. This means I’ll be alone with his dad, to whom I’ve previously spoken exactly one word, for about an hour on the way back. I’m not afraid, but I hope it isn’t too awkward.