Kat’s Pause 

I’m sure Ning won’t mind.

He sent me a pm last night, I responded and he hasn’t been back since (it’s still in my outbox). I messaged him on MSN (no reply) and called his cell three times (no answer), knowing that each call would, and has, made me feel more pathetic. I figured he went to bed early last night. Then I figured he slept in. They can’t both be true — nobody sleeps for 17 hours — so where is he? Probably out somewhere not thinking about me, so why am I thinking about him? I feel so stupid for hating when he does this. I’m blaming it on Female Monthly Times. And now I will force myself off the computer so I can stop obsessively refreshing forums and do something productive. Like cleaning. Is it weird that cleaning makes me feel better? I think I’m too young for that.

Looking at: these pretties
Listening to: What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Update: Changed my mind. I figure this is the ideal mood in which to work on my Neverwhere project, concentrating on the atmosphere of loneliness and abandonment. Ha-ha, just kidding, I’m not actually emo like that. But it is a project I might as well work on while I’m here, ’cause if I go I’ll just play WW and curse its glitches.

Christmas was made 300% better by today. I went out in the morning and (finally) found the shoes Ning wanted. After my dad and I left the mall and walked the 4 km to our parking space, we discovered that there was no way out of the lot — a car had parked in the space through which we’d entered. Following in the tracks of some bolder vehicles, my dad got our Honda Civic up onto the curb, to a road, and around a barrier. I’m pretty proud of that little family car. It felt like we were making some sort of grand family-movie escape.

Ning loved his present and decided it warranted buying me more things — the ring will now count as a 10-month anniversary gift — so we went to Burlington to shop. I found some lovely brown boots that cost 4 cents less than the shoes I bought him, and he also got me Warrior Within. Which means, yes, I AM FINALLY GOING TO PLAY WARRIOR WITHIN. We were going to get T2T as well, but he wanted to get it with his Best Buy gift card and the checkout line was horrendously long. No matter, that one’s easy to find anywhere.

I still have the desire to finish my fanfic before corrupting my pure SoT thoughts with WW, but I guess I’ll have to learn to separate the two (much like I already do now). I’ve put off playing it quite long enough.

Christmas Eve redeemed itself: After wrapping all my presents and finally starting to feel Christmassy, I stayed up til past midnight talking on the phone with Ning and playing TSoT. It was good. Now I’ve opened all my presents (favourite being a fluffy white bathrobe) and eaten two too-large meals, and I’m getting bored, but doing homework on Christmas is unthinkable, so I’m going to write some fanfic. I want to cut out the character I started to create before because unless I make some plot adjustments, I’ll have to leave her half-developed stuck somewhere she doesn’t want to be. Can’t say more without explaining the whole plot structure.

And I’m running around failing at present-shopping. Malls are closed, I’m hungry, ill, ill-tempered, and not Christmasy-feeling at all. Looks like I’ll be shopping on Boxing Day, early in the morning.

Oh and my blog is full of spam again.

Math test went okay. Delivered presents to Ning’s former teachers in a Santa hat aww cute. Got to see a friend (and her new boyfriend) for the first time in too many months. Finished all my Christmas shopping, except for Ning’s present. Seriously out of ideas. Other than that, today has been quite fulfilling. Oh and we watched The Neverending Story in lit, teeheehee.

Oh my, my, how difficult it is to find the perfect present for the perfect someone, someone’s who’s rich, handsome, and showers you with everything you want. Such a hard life I have, oh woe is me, that Christmas shopping should be so difficult.

She accepted my paper. Holy shock Batman. Weirdly enough, another girl in my class did almost exactly the same thing — she forgot to print off her completed paper. In the spirit of Christmas, the teacher took both of our papers. Thank you Santa/Jesus.

Calc was cancelled because the teacher had an appointment, we’re watching Big Fish in lit studies, and I’m liking the Eastern philosphy unit. It’s been a good day. The only downsides have been my tiredness, which will disappear when I go to bed at some obscenely early hour tonight, and the bills my cats are racking up at the vet’s — monthly flea treatments for one because she’s allergic ($120/yr) and possibly a cortisone injection if the irritation doesn’t go away fast enough; special senior testing for the other cat because she has a heart murmur ($150); and $250 each for dental work. Blasted tartar. Not to mention the $65 per animal for today’s physical + rabies vaccinations. Who knew free cats could be so expensive? But anyway. I am SO enjoying tonight’s lack of essays. Only one more math test to dread!

That philosophy paper I was supposed to hand in today? I just found it in my binder. Because I was so tired, I forgot to hand it in. FORGOT. And she does not accept things late.

I officially give up hope of succeeding in this class.

It’s not that the lost marks will fail me. In actuality, I can write another paper in January in place of this one. But it’s the principle; honestly, if I’m going to be that stupid, what chance do I have in university? in life?

Arguing with Ning tonight didn’t help. I feel sick. I just can’t believe I did that. It’s ridiculous. It still hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m numb. And God, so tired. I haven’t felt this hopeless in a long time.

Update: When I calmed down, I finished writing my seminar paper and it turned out astonishingly decent. I’ll beg my teacher to accept yesterday’s paper, and if she doesn’t, then I’ll have to work harder on the next one.

The overwhelming relief of completing three essays in three days will come tomorrow, when one or both of the last two leave my hands. Friday’s math test isn’t bothering me (yet).

Wow, crackers really DO help relieve nausea. The worst part is taking the first bite, but after that, there’s nothing but gratitude for not having to take Gravol in the morning and be a zombie all day. As it is, I’m running on 11-12 hours of sleep spread out over three days — I don’t need any drugs except maybe caffeine, lots of delicious caffeine.

I just found out that about three hours ago, the father of the child my sister is watching in Switzerland was in a serious accident and is now in critical condition. I’m not sure what to say other than, screw my dislike for Christianity, I’m saying a prayer for him.

Update: He’s in bad shape — broken shoulder, leg, shattered kneecap, and I can’t even remember what else — but he’s going to be okay.

To be able to eat anything that isn’t bread without my digestive system kicking and screaming and sickening me in protest. I am SO. VERY. TIRED. of feeling crappy for extended periods every day. I stopped eating the junk I used to, I’m even avoiding lactose, so could I please be able to eat something non-grain once in a while without it turning into a monster and having raves inside me?

you have so much fun playing with all the squishy bits of the packaging. I love that cottony stuff they put in the box, and bubble wrap never gets old.

Found some time for Lost Time: I wrote out some stuff from Ch7, but I dislike most of it. Still, it’s a start… and I inadvertently created a new character. That’s always fun. Still trying to figure out just what Farah’s “headscarf” is supposed to look like…

Concert and seminar went fairly well. Tonight I will be sleeping and enjoying my lack of anxiety. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing. Maybe I’ll try to make myself anyway.

I decided I don’t like the idea I came up with for a Christmas story. Any suggestions?

Feeling less screwed for my seminar, which is good because it’s in 18 hours. I’m using the majority of my nervousness on tonight’s music concert — it’s the first time I’ve had a vocal solo at school. And it’s improvised. In scat. But I can’t fully concentrate my worry on that because the seminar and all my looming deadlines are running around yelling in the back of my head. I’ll be so glad when this is all over… I think I’ll sleep through Christmas Break.

If you’re ever waiting for someone to come over, just take a washroom break. They’ll be at your door in seconds.

I made this song a little while ago. It sounds very different as a midi than in the program with whcih it was created, but it’s still an interesting beginning, I think. I don’t know what comes next… I wish I had more time to lazily create music.

Just when I thought I wasn’t screwed for my philosophy seminar, it becomes impossible to find exactly where Descartes said “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” My teacher said it’s somewhere in Meditations, but I can’t locate the actual line or something close enough, and I don’t know if I have time to redesign the core of the seminar before Wednesday and find another text. Descartes is our main argument and he’s letting me down.

Guess what I haven’t done?

If you guessed:
- math homework
- any more work on my ISUs
- written a thank-you card
- written any more of that story
- finished my fanfiction (haha…ha)
- brought a book with me everywhere

You’re wrong! I did drag Neverwhere everywhere, including the bathtub. Mmm bubbles + Neil Gaiman. As for the rest… I hope they don’t keep me up when I go to bed. Along with the bajillion other things on my mind.

Oh but ring-shopping is so much fun. I can pretend like I’m getting engaged, hehehe…hee… okay not really, but it still has the illusion of excitement.

I will do my math homework
I will begin my ISUs early
I will write that thank you card
I will write that Christmas story for the DA contest
I will write something for my school’s publication
I will finish my fanfiction
I will remember to bring a book with me everywhere
I will do my math homework

Edit: And if Chris is good I will buy him a gift. Otherwise he gets nothing. Coal is expensive.

They say the most brilliant inspiration comes in that half-real place between asleep and awake…

So bored and tired today. I’ve had so many half-assed poetry ideas floating through my head; that always happens when I’m really sleepy. A single line will pop in, and I’ll either forget it just when I think it could turn into something good, or else I’ll develop it and maybe it’ll work, maybe not. When “our serpentine vows” appeared in my mind today, it intrigued me, and then as I tried to write more, it turned all creepy. The result thus far:

I hold your eyes and you squeeze my hand
as we speak our serpentine vows
Weaving a web to wind us together
To bind us always and forever

I’ve never felt more alive than with your fingers on my throat
Wrapped up in the illusion of danger
You keep me awake and feeling
As we pledge with our serpentine vows
to love no one else.

Yeah so I liked it less the more I added to it, but maybe I’ll make something of it later.

Edit: Added a little more. After going to my an open mic night at my school, I want nothing more than to write something, anything, especially my unfinished fanfic. Instead I’m up writing philosophy. The only reason it’s taking so long is that I am SO BORED with thinking about this paper. Also my fingers are cold. Need to get me some fingerless gloves for typing.

Grease was fantastic. I’m planning to go see it again on closing night with Ning and two other friends. Ning doesn’t really want to see it (what university student wants to see a high school play that his girlfriend didn’t even make?) but he said he might anyway.

Right now I would much rather do math homework than philosophy. There’s something very wrong here.

I added something today to a poem I started writing in the summer. It’s bitter and quite meaningless, which makes it ironic, which makes it brilliant.

Gullibility has made you distrustful
Idealism has made you sardonic
Intelligence has made you indolent

Suffer for your sins and your charity
Dull your diamond wit
[…]

I’ll write some more later. Right now I need to get ready for my school’s production of Grease and hope I don’t break out into mad fits of jealousy when someone sings off-key.

New webcomic: Crap I Drew on My Lunch Break — Lovely, witty, all around fun.

I’m in roughly the same place as the Dalai Llama.

The Political Compass

Ning and his brother and I rented Hitch tonight, which was kind of sweet because it was the movie Ning and I saw in theatres the day we started dating, and I guess today was sort of significant too because it’s the first time his parents have seen me.

That’s about all that happened, though — they poked their heads into the living room and then his mother went upstairs. Ning went up with her to give her the DVD and his brother went to bed, so for a few minutes his father and I were alone downstairs. I said a shy “hello” before darting into the kitchen with some dishes, and then mostly tried to avoid him because I wasn’t sure what they expected of me. They didn’t seem to want to meet me or talk to me or discuss my intentions with their son, which as far as I’m concerned is quite fine, but I thought it might be awkward to strike up a conversation if that’s the case. I guess I feel unwelcome and unwanted in their house, though not to the point of hostility.

Ning exchanged a few words with his mother in Chinese, which when I asked him he said were nothing, he was just giving her the movie. She didn’t sound like she was reprimanding him or anything, so I won’t let myself be paranoid about that.

I thought it was almost too good to be true when Ning told me his parents didn’t care about us anymore, until he explained it to me tonight: He thinks they believe it’s nothing serious and it will never work out and I’ll go away. I’m glad they’re not angry, but I don’t want it to be because they’re disillusioned. But at the same time, Ning’s not bothered by it; in fact, he’s of rather the same opinion. As much as he adores me and says he wants to marry me, he still says I’ll get tired of him and leave him for someone younger, richer, more whatever soon enough. I wish there was something I could do to convince him otherwise.

And yes, I know everyone is going to find it ridiculous that I think I’ve found the love of my life at 17. In my defense, he’s not my first boyfriend — I’ve sampled a somewhat varied selection of prospective mates. There were two strangers, a best friend, a shy mutual friend, a four-year-crush, a relapse with the first stranger (WHAT was I thinking)… and now my soap-opera I-love-you-but-you-don’t-love-me-turned-long-term relationship.

And Ning just told me that he doesn’t want to get married if he’s not having any children. I’m trying to figure out if he means it or not.

For some good news: I am officially not pregnant. I think my uterus shares Ning’s opinions on children though, because it doesn’t seem very happy wasting its muscle power on menstruation.

School = stress. I want to work on papers and ISUs and my philosophy seminar right now after getting two tests out of the way (95 on calc, woohoo), but I’m finding it hard to focus. I want to worry less, I really do, but there’s so much to be potentially worried about. I hope I’m not picking up my mother’s habit of worrying about things because she thinks no one else will.

When I used to love math. I studied about 8 hours off and on yesterday for today’s math test, and it was (hence) the easiest one I’ve written in at least five years. I found myself almost enjoying the hours of review yesterday because it all made sense, but was just challenging and varied enough to afford a sense of accomplishment above the monotony.

Why am I talking about math? Who am I and where’s Kat?

Oh there I am. Tonight I should be studying for my lit test tomorrow, but I want so badly to work on my fanfic. Or at the very least read some more of Neverwhere, which I need to for my lit ISU anyway… but I know I’ll never forgive myself if I’m not prepared for the test tomorrow.

mmm cherry chocolates.

News: Ning told his parents about me a little while ago, and, with their knowledge, I’m going over to his house tomorrow night while he watches his little brother. I don’t know if I’ll meet them or not, but I’m scared. His mother dislikes every girl he’s interested in, and technically he’s not even supposed to be dating for another five years. I don’t see how I could possibly have a chance.

Lastly — I am very unmotivated to do the missions at Swordsmen when I can’t get the prizes. I don’t care to risk them only maybe shipping to Canada. Call me selfish, but it annoys me that I spent 3000 points near the beginning on a poster that has since vanished from my cart. I’m 100 points short of the Farah concept art but wondering why I’m bothering.