Kat’s Pause 

I’m taking the co-op position at my local newspaper rather than Mac’s, for a number of reasons. I don’t have much else to say since I’ve been studying since around 3 for tomorrow’s math test and my head is filled with logarithms and earthquake intensities. It’s funny how much I don’t mind math when it’s not difficult and frustrating. And when I do my homework every night.

Today’s interview went well — despite my printer running out of ink while I tried to print out all my writing samples, causing me to get ink all over my fingers changing the cartridge… and that stuff doesn’t come off. I called my interviewer and asked for a half-hour extension, which she granted me in a voice that made believe it really was no problem. Saved my lucky little behind. In the meantime I rescued my inky paws with much scrubbing and concealer.

I think I’m leading toward the other placement, though. Time to make some pro/con lists, with weighted values like a proper nerd.

My lips are shiiiiiiny and I need to trim my bangs. They keep pokin’ me eyes.

I got the co-op placement at my local newspaper. The McMaster Silhouette is still my first choice though, so I’m trying to schedule an interview with them ASAP so that I’ll have the luxury of choosing between the two without risking losing the first one or ending up with nothing.

Also I’m a little annoyed that someone ripped off my icon on The Swordmen, right down to the filename. I wouldn’t care since he only has 500-odd points anyway, except that I’ve submitted a number of what I thought were rather nice-looking icons that didn’t get accepted, and then I see this… I wonder how it slipped through the cracks. I certainly don’t envy TDP’s position.

Update: Interview tomorrow, and I’m starting to have doubts about the Silhouette. The other placement is the professional, competitive one, so I keep being told, and I guess I’m starting to believe it. Right now I could go either way — there are positives and negatives to both placements.

From now on, I’m getting another journal and only posting superficial fluff and events online. Since I used up my last journal I’ve posted more private-type things here, but now I’ve had enough of my immodesty driving people away. Just because I feel like my life is an open book is no excuse for me to risk making my friends uncomfortable with the less-than-pretty details of my life. I’m not going to pretend everything is peachy, but I am going to take a more responsible approach to blog-writing.

Dreaming of marriage and smiling beside you as we wake up

I think my boyfriend’s in Toronto all day today, or maybe he isn’t. All I know is, he’s not here when he said he might be and I wish he were. I feel a little dependent missing him so often, but it’s not as if I’m thinking about him all the time, or unable to function unless he’s beside me. I like to think I just really appreciate his company.

Going out to dinner tonight — 9 months with Ning, hooray. But my mind is filled with images of squishy pan-Asian cuisine. (MSG’D!) So gentle on my poor little teeth (if not my stomach lining)… It’s hardly celebratory fare, plus he generally dislikes Asian things, but eating is painful for me right now, so maybe I can talk him into it, bargain in exchange for anime-watching…

chicken balls and fried rolls are calling meeeeeeee

Update: I love my boyfriend because he takes me where I want to go. Mmm stir fry!

The suck is getting braces tightened for the first time in six months, having to wear elastics on them again, and scheduling X-rays of your mouth to see if the dental appliances you’ve sported for a year and a half are even doing what they’re supposed to.

It could be worse. I could have to wear headgear again, or a nance, or one of the other contraptions they stuck into me before I could have the privilege of a mouth full of bonded metal.

Braces are the suck.

Please shoot me now. Thanks.

In other news, the new T2T video looks incrediuberawesome. The Prince doesn’t look like a scruffy hobo in the cinematics! Farah speaks! Kaileena dies! The world is a good place to be.

Didn’t fail that test. I think I got somewhere between 60 and 85.

We got by without a handout for the hasty mythopeicism presentation — fortunately for us, an informal affair — thanks to individual research.

Possible university things:
-English
-Music
-Psychology
-Psycholobiology
-some combination of the preceding
=or=
-Nursing

I’m finally making some use of my deviantART account. Webcam + Photoshop = fun.

Also. Totally screwed for tomorrow’s math test. I’ll be happy to pass it. Also have a group presentation for lit tomorrow that no one knows what the hell to do about. Funny that “mythopeicism” isn’t in the Internet. Anywhere.

I wish I didn’t despise the idea of children. It makes me sad to make Ning sad.

Today he brought up adoption, since pregnancy was the thing I was complaining about. I’ve never given it thought since I don’t want to raise the child(ren) either, but it would be at least less hellish than pregnancy + labor + child-rearing. Something to think about for down the road, I suppose.

“Down the road…” Isn’t that the phrase from The Bachelor (movie) that when said by a girlfriend means it’s time for the relationshp to end? Or maybe I just feel like a bad girlfriend.

Is there something or nothing wrong when two people both feel like inadequate partners who get undeservedly good treatment? Is that the same as when two people just feel lucky to have each other? Or will that inadequacy necessarily become a hindrance to the relationship?

OT: While I happened to be listening to Ben Folds Five’s “Still Fighting It”

Technically there was already a first snow of the season in late October, but this was the first real, day-long snow, even though not much stuck. Let’s get with the snow days and the Christmas now.

Thinking about snow days is one of those luxuries I allow myself by rationalizing that if I’m still in high school, I might as well enjoy its perks. But I still feel like a little kid for wanting one.

This ethics thing makes me scowl. It’s not hard at all, I know exactly what I want to say, and I should just write it quickly and go sleep like a normal person, but for some reason I can’t. It’s nagging me from its minized box in the corner, but it’s like I’m magnetically opposed to that window and everything else I can do on the computer is so much more appealing. I can’t explain the relief I feel when I give in to distraction and get lost in something else for a while… yet it’s undermined by constant, minor tension because I know I should be working on my assignment. This would make sense if it was a difficult or even irritating assignment, but it’s barely even tedious — rather interesting, in fact, and I like philosophy. And I don’t have problems focusing on it during the bursts I do write.

So what’s left, then, to be wrong with me? The only thing I can think of is that I’m worried about the mark I’ll get on it. But if that was really the case, I’d be putting more effort into it, right?

I’ve worked out that I do have a need to be constantly stimulated by some kind of sensation — video games or singing or TV, physical touch, reading or just thinking about something interesting. I fidget when I’m bored or the least bit nervous. But I’ll laugh in the face of anyone who follows the latest fad and tries to slap an ADHD diagnonsense on me: I’m only easily distracted when I don’t enjoy something, and I have no problems concentrating on something I like for hours on end. It’s only when I have nothing fun to do that I feel unsatisfied. I guess I just need to grow up and learn some responsibility.

After reading some excerpts from her pregnancy archives, I have determined that abortion cannot possibly be more traumatic than pregnancy. At this point, I would rather physically and emotionally maim myself that way than by carrying a child.

The other day it struck me, as it has struck Ning and me before, how absolutely wonderful and horrible it would be if years from now, Ning and I found out one of us was infertile. I would laugh and cry myself to hysteria. ALL THAT WASTED STRESS MONEY TIME DRAMA. And if, logically, we discovered this by actively trying to conceive, we would have the joy of preparing for even more extravagant expenditures of stress money time drama and then to top it all off, a freaking BABY.

I don’t think I need to say here that Irony is one cruel bitch.

Update: And I just read through Dooce’s labour post and I feel sooooo giddy. I couldn’t sleep tonight if I wanted to. I wish I was sharing this with Ning.

Okay, baby-ness is over. Time to write about ethics. So if Frankenstein’s monster does not receive the compensation he demands from his creator, but the doctor is still forced to repay him through OMIGOD BABY!!!

Update: Off the Dooce high. Am now thinking studiously about The Ethical Lie. When I’m on MSN this time of night/morning, I feel like I’m the only person alive within a hundred miles. (I couldn’t tell you exactly how long a mile is, having only ever measured in small happy kilometers, but the metric system has very unromantic-sounding units. Feet, inches, these are the units of literature.)

Finding things out about my parents. Even if I’ve suspected such things for a while, even if I know or want to know and I outright ask, there’s still this uncomfortable itchy feeling when you hear it confirmed or hinted at in such a way as to leave no other options. “I don’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to think less of your [other parent]” is a pretty clear answer, thanks.

It just feels fundamentally wrong for my parents to be involved with other people. Yes, I know they’re technically ’separated’, even though they’re still living together, and I know they haven’t remotely gotten along for years, and I know it’s silly to think they’ve just stayed lonely and not done anything about it, but still. Why couldn’t they just get a divorce? I don’t think I’d have a problem with them dating other people once it was clear they didn’t intend to have any kind of marital relationship. But this trying to have their cake and eat it doesn’t work. It’s just weird. I guess it’s like my grandparents say: either be married or don’t.

Update: And now I have the strongest urge to write a story about this. It’s bizarre having my dad right here beside me as I tear up lettuce for a salad, talking about the cats, and all I want to do is ask him, “Did you have an affair?”

But I already feel like I’m breaching their privacy by saying this much.

I’m thinking… I’ll break down soon and buy Warrior Within, or maybe rent it on a weekend when I don’t have much homework. Hey, I’ll see if Ning wants to play too. He was always teasing me about WW before.

Here’s the thing. Even though I’m not anywhere near as excited about TTT as I was about WW, which rode on SoT’s lovable coattails despite being nothing like it (and as a result I got gradually less excited closer to the release date, although I still would’ve killed to play it — damn my young age and inability to purchase Mature games at the time!), Farah is back, and for me that is a huge thing. Yeah she looks a little freaky, but it’s Farah. Possibility of romance! Possibility of romantic TTT fanfic at the very least! Also I have a weakness for racing minigames and that chariot race looks cool. So, I’m thinking I want to give TTT a shot, but first I should play WW. Get to know that whole free-form-fighting system, get used to some of his new actions (well, new to me) and even get a little accustomed to his scrungy angry look.

Granted, this could turn out like when I figured I’d break down and read Harry Potter. Still has yet to happen. Coupland and Gaiman are far more attractive right now. But what am I saying? Harry Potter has nothing on my PoP fangirl love. I smell a Christmas present idea.

God, I hate missing school. Not only have I screwed myself over for calculus, but my attendance record has just taken another little notch. And if I don’t get into co-op it’ll be because of my screwy attendance (mostly lates that got counted as absences, and then mono) last semester. So now I’m worried I’m killing my chances for university too.

This always happens when I decide to stay home: throughout the day I feel better and then I’m constantly justifying my decision. If I’m well enough to be on the computer, I’m well enough to be at school… but then, I do always screw up in calc if I can’t think properly, and my two discussion-based classes become pretty pointless when it hurts too much to talk. Right now it’s mostly the attendance that’s bothering me. Well, I’ll just have to never miss school again.

I slept for a bit but I’m still tired so I think I’ll go lie down again. Or maybe read some more of All Families are Psychotic. That’s the kind of book that makes you feel better about your family because no matter what they’re like, you can’t help but say “and I thought my family was screwed up.”

I finally came up with a specific-enough outline I’m happy with for chapter 7 of Lost Time. Everything’s settled nicely into place. Now I’m deciding when, where and how to begin the writing (Farah’s POV). This looks like it might be a longish chapter, unless I break it up with some of the Prince’s thoughts, but I don’t want to interject his musings unless he actually has something worthwhile to say.

Also, I was rereading Hey Nostradamus! today and the first bit got me writing about virginity from a girl’s perspective. It’s written from first-person but past-tense, so it resembles a rambly story, but since it came from my life, I’m a little hesitant to share with anyone.

Fantastic. Another weekend gone by and I’ve completely wasted it. I packed my bag so full of books that it broke, and here I sit with not a speck of homework done or even started. Feel like a failure. Why do I always do this?

What I did this weekend
Friday
- shopped (spent money I shouldn’t have)
Saturday
- went out to breakfast
- watched Batman Begins
Sunday
- babysat
- screwed around on the computer, started to write something and gave up

Talk about a wasted life. And I just remembered that I still need to fill out some parts of my co-op form tomorrow. I should just not sleep tonight: I could get something done, and it could work as punishment for my procrastination. But I know I’ll just waste more time tomorrow evening feeling sleepy.

I spent a lot of tonight regretting past decisions. Like, WHY didn’t I date Ning a year ago. He loved me and I flirted sometimes, but I still wanted to keep our relationship platonic. If I had only said yes then, it could have saved a lot of heartache and maybe even some friends. I really should stop rereading those chat logs.

I know two Alexes and one is currently messaging me in Spanish. I have a feeling this Alex is neither of them.

o_O;;

I pilfered the digital camera and uploaded some stuff I’ve drawn recently. And I’m breaking down and asking for a scanner for Christmas. So not cool.

Girl who reminds me of Shelly from Scary-Go-Round

Mostly not anime!

two random girls

reminiscent of Applegeeks (Alice maybe?)

sad like MegaTokyo

Ren is my favouritest raccoon evah.

shexy

Totally inspirational! I’m going to fit that bottom leftmost Prince into the next or next-next chapter.

Thank you ^__^

So much for trying to get involved. I’m waiting for calls back about stuff, and I’m hoping I can officially sign on to something… multiple things… anything… before Monday when I have my co-op appointment. I never did hear any more about (or remember to look further into) the school newspaper. But I should have checked the announcement board and checked the office… I don’t know, maybe it’s not too late; I just hope I haven’t missed a great opportunity. (This could be fulfilled by either a) getting a great position now, or b) finding out the opportunity wasn’t great anyway.)

Still looking into Laurier and possibly UT and I don’t know what else…

I miss rock climbing, but it costs money that should be going towards either uni or vocal lessons. Always those lessons.

This post is so disjointed. I’m tired.

My class doesn’t start for 20 minutes, so I’m looking up universities. Laurier music has got me excited right now, although I don’t think I’d want to major in it. I’ve given up too many performance opportunities by quitting violin and even piano when I was younger, and I could really use those vocal lessons.

Memories from career studies class, one of the most useless mandatory courses out there: Laurier has the only music therapy program in Ontario. That turned out to be my ISU of sorts; supposedly music therapy was the most optimal career for me. I would never actually want to do it, but it fulfilled some of my interests (music and psychology) so I did the project on it. Yet another reason careers is a bs course.

Now that I’m going for high school co-op, I’m beginning to consider university co-op for the first time. Ning is quite satisfied with his co-op; the money’s nice (needed, in my case) and working provides a break from the stress of school. But then, it’s necessary to keep in mind that he’s fabulous at his job and is always ahead of schedule. I don’t know how much I would lose in courses because I have only I few things I definitely want to do — things English-related, psych, and if I can, vocals. I don’t want to take a general arts and sciences, or whatever they’re calling it these days, because I don’t see any benefit from it. I know my strengths, it’s just a matter of finding things that exploit them. For writing, that’s hard to do.

I need to write more. Like, really, before I atrophy beyond some point of no return, if I haven’t already. It makes me sad that I used to be eloquent and creative with words; the evidence is in my beloved chat logs. I could compile a half-decent romance novel from some of my conversations with Ning.

Not that I would; that would be a breach of privacy.

PS: My contacts are getting dry and this screen resolution is set too small, so I’m probably missing typos. I HATE finding typos in things I’ve written.

Guidance appointment tomorrow to put co-op in my currently non-existent schedule for next semester, and then I have a placement interview on the 14th. The actual co-op interview will be sometime later; this is sort of prep for prep for co-op, which is prep for work. Baby steps, I guess.

I found out today that the placements I want are very competitive, and open to all high school students in the city. I’ll be crossing my fingers. And I’m considering making nursing my third choice for placement, even though I’m tailoring all the forms I have to fill out to writing, plus I have zero experience with anything related to nursing, and not the greatest marks in bio or chem. I suppose I’ll ask my guidance counselor if she thinks it’s a good idea, although those people are generally useless.

Just to up my chances, I think I’ll join a couple more things tonight, fill more space in the “experience” section, which looks sadly lacking since I dropped orchestra and chamber this year, not to mention all that violin from before. I even had West Side before, that was something. Now all I have for extra-curricular activities is choir and the ‘literary magazine’ I co-edit. So what can I join that I’m actually interested in… there’s the Teen Awareness group thing I’ve been meaning to look into at the library, and there was an announcement today about a school newspaper… what else can I take up?

Speaking of which, a friend of mine wants to take dancing lessons — he’s not sure what kind — and asked if I’d like to be his partner. I think it would be fun, and it might improve my coordination. I know a tiny bit of swing and I really like that, and he’s interested… now, to see if Ning will mind me going dancing with another guy. I hope he doesn’t, since he doesn’t dance and would never want to take lessons himself. Of course, there are other things I’d rather put my money into — namely vocal lessons, oh hey if I make some calls tonight maybe I can add that to the list! — but a basic, casual thing once a week or so shouldn’t be too bad. Plus in two months I’ll have a job. I will, dammit.

I found out yesterday the local newspaper and McMaster’s paper are taking co-op student(s) next semester. After minimal deliberation, I’ve decided to apply. It means not working full-time during second semester, but this will be a valuable experience, plus it looks great on a resume.

I still intend to get a job at the end of this semester. But there’s no way I’ll be able to finance university, so it looks like I’m headed for a student loan. And if I go anywhere other than McMaster, which is very likely, I want to be in residence. I only pray I can get a good job during the next four years, or immediately after graduation, so that I don’t get stuck with a crapload of unpayable debt.

And sooooo giddy right now. I was rereading old chat logs and had to dig to find the one from the night Ning and I became a couple. It was such a wonderful night… and every time I read the log, there’s one line at the moment of “we’re officially official now” that sends me into fits of ecstasy.

<3 I’m the luckiest girl alive. <3

I swore I’d go to bed earlier tonight. I failed. But I feel awesome now so it’s worth it.

*apologies for the mushiness*

[Some content removed; the mushies were sickening me]

One more hour to kill before I can sleep. I have a sudden craving for rice with chicken. Mmmm gravy. Instead I get some crackers. Boo.

But I’m very glad I don’t feel nauseated, as I have lately. I’ll take hunger and cravings over nausea any day.

Urgh I’m so cold and I miss Ning already… six hours a week is not enough. Although I was pleasantly surprised yesterday after agreeing to watch Gundam Wing with him that it was rather enjoyable. There are about two characters total who aren’t totally ridiculous, but the other ones make for laughter, so it’s alright. Now I shall have him watch Requiem for a Dream with me to return the favour.

Have I ever mentioned how very, very glad I am that Ning got over his emo-ness before we started dating? I doubt I would have gone out with him otherwise. So for all you emo kids out there *coughSlayncough* cut it out, unless you want to be disliked forever. Ning is so much more lovable now. <3

Update: There we go — twelve hours to the minute. If I get pregnant now, I’ll throw my hands up and assume I was destined to be a mother. I’ll find out in 21 days. Knowing my (and probably Ning’s) hypercautiousness, I’ll likely run out and buy a pregnancy test rather than wait. But for now, sleep is calling me, sweet sleeeeeeep, and this kitty must obey.

So. I’m staying up til 5 am tonight to take a pill at a certain time and I’m already bored. If I go to sleep right at 5, I’ll get less than two hours of sleep before I have to get up for choir, so I don’t know if that’s worth it. Also I’m wondering if Gravol would make me sleep better or just make me tireder when I wake up.

A few more webcomics I’ve visited, devoured some archives, but forgot to mention here:

Much goodness is to be found at Chugworth Academy (Check out Scott Ramsoomair’s recent guest strip!)
I forgot its name but have since remembered: Diesel Sweeties
Have I mentioned Sam and Fuzzy?
I rather like Walking is Still Honest
And I’ve been going to Filthy Lies for over a year now, but I don’t usually include it in webcomic lists because it’s pretty offensive. Hilarious as often as disgusting. But after confessing SexyLosers to Ning tonight, what the hell.

This post is all about contraception and such related things. I don’t expect anyone to read it, but if you do, you’ve been warned.

Who knew Plan B was so expensive. I figured I’d split it with Ning, but he paid. Getting the drugs was pretty painless, just a short questionnaire to fill out and some information repeated to me that I’ve already read a dozen times through the ever-handy internet. The pharmacist also made it quite clear that this was fairly completely unnecessary because from what I told her, there shouldn’t be any risk of pregnancy. But I assured her we wanted to be safe and take no chances, however ludicrously minute.

Ning was impressed about how prepared I was. He knows so much about so many things that it’s like sex, pregnancy and female well-being are my areas, and I kind of like it that way. Not that I want him to be clueless, of course, but it’s nice to be the one explaining things sometimes when the other 90% is me learning new stuff.

Despite the ease and expectedness of everything, I was disappointed to find myself a little anxious. I wanted to be so in control, and I fully believed I was — I did the research, made phonecalls to double-check things and find out exactly where to go and what to expect — until it got to actually talking to the person and getting handed the ECP. Even as I realized I was trembling slightly, I still didn’t want to admit to Ning that I wasn’t fine. Maybe it was just because I knew how worried he was.

Also, there was a bit of drama between us when I told the pharmacist I had missed a pill about a week ago and instantly remembered that I’d — not accidentally — neglected to inform Ning of this. I’ve missed pills before, usually about one a month, but I never bother telling him because I don’t want him thinking I’m not doing my part in keeping us safe, and we always use another form of contraception anyway. When he found out today, he wanted to know exactly what the risk was, so I reluctantly explained how missing pills works and what’s recommended. I didn’t want to do that because I want him to be able to trust me that I know what I’m doing because frankly, for once I actually do, as I’ve researched the hell out of this and triple-checked anything remotely uncertain. My unfounded pregnancy fears have warranted meticulous care.

Well, this time it was him who had a lapse in contraceptive safety. Today when he found out I missed a pill, he was somewhat upset and wished I’d told him about it before we’d done something risky last night. I said I didn’t want him to worry needlessly, because in the past when I informed him my period was getting late, it made him really stressed and I quietly decided to only tell him things if there was actually real reason to worry. Like if I tested positive. He has quite enough stress as it is; the last thing I want to do is add to it with my silliness.

I can see where he’s coming from. But I don’t regret anything — if I were to go back I would do the same thing again. I made a judgement then and I still believe it was the right one, even with the small risk. Ning’s saying he wouldn’t have done what he did if he knew about the missed pill. I understand that it’s only fair to inform him of things so that he can make a good decision. But I want to be able to handle this myself… and yet, I’m the one who failed to take my contraceptive pills properly. I know that one missed pill almost a full week before is not something to seriously worry about, but I want to be completely reliable, for his sake.

Three years of redheadness are over; I dyed it dark brown today. Plus I got bangs for the first time since I was six. I sort of look like Mandy Moore except better.

Here is a picture for all my adoring fans, as well as those who couldn’t care less, and everybody in between.

—> What’s that you say, my favourite singer has covered my favourite band? Well doesn’t that just tickle me pink! Michael Buble singing Feeling Good is cool just because it IS.

Ning believes he has reason to suspect pregnancy. For once, I’m not the one worrying needlessly. Drugs may suck but damned if they don’t offer convenient solutions to just about everything. For now, I’m just being careful.

Yikes, cryptic enough? Anyway, I’m fine and people shouldn’t worry about things.