Kat’s Pause 

Apologies for typos; I’m not wearing my glasses because they hide all the eyeliner I so carefully applied. I dressed as a random goth-skank-girl, which has gradually evolved into Death (from Sandman). Maybe I’ll post a picture. Why did I dress up? Because if I’m going to be in high school now, I might as well do the kind of things highschoolers can get away with. Who knows when will be the next time I get to play dress-up? And anyway Ning’s in love with Death, so this works.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was birth control. (That’s your warning — you can stop right there if you want.) Apparently depression and lack of sex drive are more common among pill-users than a lot of them (us) think. Right now I’m at school and the networked computers block just about every website that isn’t obscure or strictly school-related. So there’s not much to do besides webcomic-viewing, blogging (and most blog sites are blocked — this one only gets through because it’s unheard of) and random browsing (also quite stilted). So I looked random stuff up. And I read so many accounts from people on a health forum just now that I started wondering if maybe the pill is the reason I’ve felt like I’ve dropped out of life in the past six months or so. Take forums. I used to love posting on i-m and Swordsmen (last year’s), and then that love just shrivelled up. Same with responding to emails. I feel horrible about it but there are people I’m neglecting because I can’t summon the will to respond often enough. I want to, but at the same time I don’t. Not like before when I used to take so much delight in things.

But I love being on the pill. I love the control, the regulation, and I’m sick of my body doing weird things for no reason — like, where did I get tendonitis from? And also, since I’ve started, I now have need for a reliable contraceptive as well. So I’m not sure where to begin with looking into an alternative for that.

Not for the first time, I wish I was male. I know it’s probably an illusion, but it seems like it would be so much easier.

I never get to see my boyfriend as much as I like. Either his parents won’t let him out, or he’s watching his little brother, or he’s away at school or work. This seems to bother me more than it does him, and I wonder if this is a problem. Maybe I’m just being clingy again.

Snow Patrol, Audislave and Sterophonics make homework bearable. Still, I don’t understand how the coin toss in R & G Are Dead challenges the empiricists’ arguments. It seems to me that it supports it. Any philosophers out there want to help me out?

- the music
- the fact that you have some control over the camera during cutscenes (how cool is that?)
- menu design/navigation: how the game boots up with “Load Game” selected and remembers which was your last save — very convenient.

I’m on the last colossi, and putting off beating it until I get some homework done. So I’ve done some calculus and intend to watch Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead for the third time tomorrow, because my philosophy evaluation is on that. Hopefully Ning can watch it too. That movie rocks.

Movies yet to see (movies I want to see but either don’t want to watch them alone, or am not old enough to rent them myself — or both)

Requiem for a Dream
Quills
Kids
Batman Begins (I heard it was good, although as a general rule I don’t like Batman. He’s so emo.)
Rent when it comes out!! I can’t wait.

A Penny Arcade PoP comic.

(in no particular order)
- the flying bird colossus
- the underwater eel colossus
- the grand scale of everything
- arrows that don’t disappear
- riding, once I got better at it
- every animation related to the kid, especially when he’s tumbling about or swinging like a toy while hanging on for dear life
- the confusion created by dust, water and blood (even when it kills me)
- health regeneration
- other things I can’t remember

Currently at the 10th colossus. And I am so begging my parents for a high-def television.

Oh, and that last math test was an 88.

I played SotC last night for a bit, and discovered I am really hella bad at fighting the colossi. It took me 30-40 minutes to beat the first one. The poor creature’s left leg was a mess of blood and hair until I a) clued in that I should be climbing higher, and b) made it to the top enough times to get at its weak spot.

Thoughts on the game:

It’s different than ICO. I guess it’s a fault of mine to want sequels to be carbon copies of their predecessors. Anyway, I’m not complaining — the gameplay is really fun. I’m still getting used to riding the horse (keep thinking I’m on Epona) and the controls are obviously more complex than ICO, but it’s easy to get into the action. Climbing a colossi is just incredible.

I hate to admit it, but I was a little bit disappointed by the graphics. I don’t know why — they’re lovely… maybe I was expecting the game to look twice as good as ICO? Or maybe I’ve been spoiled by Guild Wars. Either way, I’m pretty sure I’m judging it unfairly.

At one point, right at the beginning when the kid was climbing hills to get to the first Colossi, he was hanging off a ledge and then jumped across to another ledge and I found myself saying “Oh my God it’s PRINCE OF PERSIA.” The first platforming sequence reminded me so much of The Maharajah’s Treasure Vaults in TSoT. This was not disappointing in the least.

I’m only at the second colossi now (and have been trying since last night to beat him) so I’ll probably update later with more thoughts.

I bought Shadow of the Colossus today, and intend to play it shortly. I’ll update on tonight’s serious events later. Or maybe I won’t, I’ll just say it: A few hours ago, my cat (Della) had a stroke and had to be euthanized. I’ve always sworn that I would never, ever do that to one of my pets, but it would have been horrible for her — she was on a double dose of codeine-strength painkiller and still was in too much agony to focus on anything. The vet said that it’s one of the most painful things that can ever happen to an animal. So now she’s gone, and of course because I’m me, I’ve spent the last few hours sobbing over my cat. But the worst part was knowing I had no choice, looking at her and realizing I would never see her again, and that’s over, so it can’t get worse from here.

The test was okay — actually a lot less bad than I’d feared. I took good notes and studied the right stuff, so I didn’t screw up too much today. Barely had a clue for the last question though, because it was slightly different than ones I’d memorized — and a 7-marker, so I’m looking at 85 tops. Still, for all the wailing I did last night about hating math and wanting to drop the class (again), things are looking alright.

I have a philosophy paper due in two days and I haven’t decided what to do it on yet, so I feel like doing other things. Specifically creating something. I haven’t drawn anything in months and I’m about as rusty as a person lacking talent can be, but browsing DA makes me jealous and jealousy always makes me try harder. (It also makes me more critical, frustrated and angry, but those only work to my benefit.)

A girl reviewed Lost Time and offered to beta it. Totally cool with me, I’m always up for improving stuff. It’ll be interesting to sort of switch sides — I’m always the hypercritical one, just ask Hannah. ^^ Whose writing, btw, is getting consistently better without the slightest input from little ol’ me, so kudos to you!! Anyway, I’m looking forward to Hydrangea’s suggestions. And her real name is the same as mine, isn’t that peachy.

Hate calculus test tomorrow going to fail.

In other news, my blog is no longer getting spammed. Yay!

And Grazed Knees by Snow Patrol is pretty.

I want to spend some money now, but I know I need to save for various things (Christmas and university, for a start), so I’m going to buy necessities and then splurge on at least one videogame. That game is going to be Shadow of the Colussus. Teehee. I also intend to rent all 3 Sly’s, one at a time. What else is on my list… Final Fantasy, possibly Chrono Trigger, umm Indigo Prophechy (Fahrenheit) …I’ll go digging through MSN logs for others. Suggestions welcome — I promise I will at least try to get around to playing them eventually! Or ask for them as Christmas presents. Mmm Christmas.

It snowed yesterday. Snow. Yesterday. October. Bad. Snow should be reserved for Christmas only: it should be cold and snowy about a month before and after Christmas, and then go straight into spring. Cold is only good for Christmas and candles.

Today I went to a bible study. I wasn’t told ahead of time that this gathering was specifically religious in nature, but I suspected it, so it wasn’t terribly awful. It was a little awkward, but I didn’t want to ruin it for all of them — and they were very nice ladies despite the Christian-ness — so I participated (except for prayer and worship, which I saw no reason to do). It wasn’t hard at all, since I grew up with bible studies and youth groups for years. I know plenty about the Bible and the faith (youth group was where I got my nickname “The Walking Dictionary”) and the people were pretty open and easy to get along with. My family goes to their church (how I came to meet the girl who invited me) so I’m not sure if they knew I was a heathen, and if they did, that I used to be quite the good little Christian girl not all that long ago. I don’t particularly want to go to another, but it might be fun spending time with them in a non-religious setting.

Tonight was the awards ceremony for my city’s teen writing contest. I was surprised to dicsover that I also won the Young Poet’s Award, which is across all age categories, and that they raised the monetary value of it, so at the end of the evening I walked out $400 richer. I got tons of congratulations from people and was delighted that my writer’s craft teacher made it as well; the story I wrote is in a new style he taught us last year, a “slice of life.” Everyone was so kind and encouraging, it was really wonderful. This year, I vow not to wait until two days before the deadline to come up with ideas.

This evening has redeemed a remarkably shitty week, which until tonight had been characterized by at least one disaster each day. Yesterday’s nugget of despair was the tentative diagnosis of tendonitis in my foot and lower tibia, requiring X-rays and ultrasounds and, once I find a place, physiotherapy. But money makes up for many things, and that’s just the kind of person I am. Money and love, and tonight was full of both.

Now I am tired, the deep kind of tired that comes not from staying up all night, but from incremental loss of sleep (and, I admit, one all-nighter Monday) — a slow, heavy feeling that takes a few nights to work off. Yet I feel the need to write again… especially my poor fanfic, which will allow me no satisfaction until it’s complete. I’ll try to get in some scribbling before I fall asleep.

I’m finishing up my metaphysics evaluation — a philosophical DVD cover for Run Lola Run. It has turned out awful. The writing is half-decent, but mostly I am incapable of producing anything remotely artistic. And I don’t mean pretty, I mean pages fitting together less crookedly than a typical second-grader cuts.

What kills me is that I got perfect on this thing last year, and now that mark is useless, and I know the other evaluations only get harder from here…

I want to sleep. It’s a debate between that or writing my (optional but recommended) metaphysics paper, which I have nicely planned out but which could take a while to flesh out with research and footnotes. I’ve long given up hope of getting calc homework done this weekend.

Another thing bugging me is that I didn’t really procrastinate on this. Maybe a little, but nothing like before, and this time I had some reasons. And for all my trouble, lately I’ve only gotten to see Ning two hours a week.

I was frustrated before, but now I just feel sad and worthless. Thinking about Ning’s disapproving mother isn’t helping my self-esteem. I find myself almost wishing I hadn’t lied to my doctor and said I felt fine. If it had been my regular doctor, I would’ve been honest… ugh… bad memories… shit, why am I crying? Oh, it’ll be fun to finish my schoolwork now that I’ve pushed myself into a depressed state. Yessir.

Ning told his mother about my existence and they had a long discussion today. Now I’m afraid of meeting her — I’m certain she’ll hate me, ban me from her house, and forbid her son from seeing me. From what he’s told me, she doesn’t think any girl is good enough for him.

I was going to write more but got distracted and now I don’t remember what to say… Oh and I’m white… but I don’t think that matters.

84 on the calc test. As usual , I made horribly stupid mistakes that cost me way more than they should have, but got part-marks and whole-marks for questions I thought I’d bombed. Also as usual, the lucky marks didn’t quite make up for the stupid marks.

Have a philosophy paper and assignment due Monday, plus math homework. I could think about studying for my lit test too, maybe, but the phil evaluation’s going to be annoying. I know this because I did it last year. And no, I can’t hand in the same thing again because it’s on a different topic.

I’m afraid of royally screwing up my teeth because of waiting so long between braces-tightening appointments… maybe I’ll just have to wear them extra longer but my mouth will turn out okay. It’ll be like a ball-and-chain for penance.

American Gods rocks. Sadly, however, I can’t properly enjoy it until I finish The Sorrows of Young Werther, because I started it first and it’s due back soon and it’s a great classic and everything. It makes me so damn sentimental though, and then I miss Ning.

Speaking of the lad, his birthday just passed and I’ll be seeing him tomorrow to give him his presents. Being unmaterialistic, every year he refuses to tell people what he wants, other than superfluous things he says he doesn’t need, so once I finally decided what to get him this time, he’s begged, cajoled, and threatened me to tell him what it was. This is my sweet, sweet revenge and I take great delight in his torment. Doubtful he’ll learn anything for next year, or Christmas, but for now this is satisfaction enough.

Oh yeah, and why is Brent Spiner so cool? He’s freaking Data and he freaking sings, and not like a robot. Same as Seven of Nine. [/Trekkieness]

I would do better in math class if I remembered that 3/3 is 1, not 0. Genius.

Our third test was today and I think I did pretty well, except for the above error and probably one or two others… I blanked out on a 4-mark question that I’d specifically studied and only near the end thought I remembered a way to do it. Sigh. At least it’ll be better then the 79 I got on my last test.

Honestly though, I’m very relieved at how this class is going. 80-something in a class I figured I’d have to drop is nothing to complain about. Still, I don’t regret dropping it last year because that teacher scared me. The one I have now isn’t fantastic, but he’s friendly and helpful, and sometimes that’s more important.

Nice to know I’m not quite as math-stupid as I figured these last few days. Now if only I’d paid a little more attention in the last four years… goodbye pretty scholarships; it was never meant to be.

Edit: That was possibly the most boring post I’ve ever written. I’ll try again.

After school, I ran into my twice-ex-boyfriend on the bus — Eric, for those who’ve heard stories. He was with his girlfriend (two years his junior). I haven’t spoken with him since I blocked his MSN more than a year ago, but by now all wounds have healed into apathetic scars. We chatted about stuff, I said I might unblock him, and we parted. Interestingly, I find him increasingly unattractive each time we meet, which is almost surely a psychological effect. I shake my head at myself.

Why isn’t there anything to write about?

That reminds me… I keep getting the urge to record and do something with my high school soap opera experiences — at the very least, to create characters based on people who’ve impacted me. I could embellish and twist here and there, or I could record every experience with absolute honesty… and seeing as how I have a journal that pretty much takes care of the latter, I think the former method could make for some good material. We’ll see.

Oh and I finally fixed my blog so that it’s aligned correctly in IE. Can’t have a right-aligned header now though.

I haven’t seen or talked to Ning since Sunday. He said then that he wanted to get together sometime during the week because we’ll both be busy on the weekend with our respective Thanksgivings, but he hasn’t been online or answering his phone, and I miss him. It’s not unusual for days to pass without communication, but to not be able to reach him when I want to is frustrating and despressing. The depressing part probably comes from my cold, actually, but still… I want to at least speak to him. Shouldn’t be so difficult.