Kat’s Pause 

I’m not pregnant! My period came today. I have never been so glad to be bleeding and in pain.

I spilled my worries to Ning yesterday. He didn’t freak out like I’d feared — he comforted me because I was already so scared. But when I told him stories of my family’s fertility (like my sister having two kids despite having only one working tube as well as using protection) , he said we’re never having sex again without five different kinds of birth control. Given the drama of the past few days, I’m beginning to think that might not be such a bad idea.

It did occur to me today that because the aforementioned sister is only my half-sibling, perhaps the fertility genes are partly on her father’s (my mother’s first husband’s) side of the family. After all, my other (full) sister has been sexually active for a few years now without any pregnancies that I’ve known of… so maybe-just-maybe it won’t be so bad for me.

My boyfriend thinks I’m bisexual. Which is weird because he says he doesn’t find lesbians hot. I will never understand that guy.

(PS: You should know to never, ever take me too seriously…)

Waiting to get my period. If I don’t get it in a few days, I’m going to freak out… there shouldn’t be any remote possibility of pregnancy, but goddamnit I’m scared anyway. And the worst part is, it doesn’t make any difference that I’m young, because I will always be this afraid of getting pregnant, even when 30 and married.

I did an informal evaluation of the probability of pregnancy, based on the percentage success rates of the methods of contraception used. In all likelihood, there’s pretty much 0% chance. So why am I so worried?

Update: Talked to a friend who’s also on the pill, she made me feel a lot better and less irrationally frightened. Thank you <3

“I have a large green ball” translated by Google into Chinese, Korean, and Japanese (respectively) and back again:

I have one greatly green chromosphere
To me there is a big green pounder
There is a sphere of the green which is large to me

(Post title passed through various translations…)

Today was a good day. Ning and I went out to dinner at Swiss Chalet, and for the first time, he let me split the bill with him rather than insisting on paying. He’s old-fashioned like that. Normally I don’t mind, but he’s getting poor and I wanted dinner, so it’s only fair. After that, we rented some movies and watched Unbreakable at my place. I was a bit disappointed with it: the premise was good, the story intriguing, but the way it was carried out was just a little too overdramatic. It felt draggy sometimes. Still, good Shyamalan plot twist at the end.

The worst part of today was before we left for dinner. Just as he pulled up at my house, my mother commented on the absence of my True Love Waits (nosextillmarriage) ring, which I stopped wearing a few days ago. She probed me about “where I stand” on the issue, and I told her I wasn’t sure. Ning came to the door and we started to leave, but she didn’t want me to go yet. He decided to let us finish our conversation and went to wait in the car. My mom begged me to wait to have sex, then hesitantly asked me if I already had. I told her no. Without getting into details, it might not have been a total lie, depending on your opinion of what counts. I keep telling myself we haven’t really really done it yet, but I know I’m not a virgin anymore, so making my mother think otherwise is still deceitful. Anyway, she reminded me of our family’s infamous fertility, and how my having sex could affect everyone around me. I assured her I’d be careful when the time came. But she wants me to wait, and I don’t. I don’t regret it, but I don’t want to have to lie to her. I wish she could accept that I disagree and trust me not to do anything stupid, but that’s never going to happen.

When I finally got in the car, I was teary, and when I told Ning about it, I started crying. He said maybe we should stop, to make it easier for my family. But there’s no point now, and more importantly, neither of us want to. I told him I can’t live based on what other people want from me. I couldn’t even if I wanted to — everyone wants something different. If my parents had their way, I’d be at church three times a week, attending a Christian school, and blushing at the thought of anything beyond a kiss. Also I would be asleep right now and not typing out my secrets for strangers (now a few friends) to see.

Subject change. It’s probably clear by now where I stand on the issue of children: I don’t want any, ever, while Ning does. We were talking today and he said that if he makes millions of dollars by next year, he’ll marry me. (I’ll be 18, legally old enough without parental consent.) He said he’d want something in return — something like a child. I actually thought about the whole ridiculous scenario for a few seconds, and then told him that if he somehow managed to do it, I’d consider it.

You have to understand how freaking terrified I am of becoming pregnant. It’s seriously my biggest fear in life right now. But he really wants kids, and maybe years from now when my life is more stable and secure, I might change my mind. Who the hell knows… everyone’s telling me I will. Guess I’ll see.

Oh and I finally finished Guild Wars today on my second character, Ryn the monk. My first character (Seryn, elementalist) is on the second-last mission, but I abandoned her for my monk. So, deciding now whether to give up GW or learn to PvP. Ning and my guildmates want me to PvP with them, so I guess I’ll at least give it a shot.

Tomorrow is Ning’s and my 6-month anniversary. I want to see him and he wants to play games. I feel like a stereotypical whiny girlfriend. I asked if I was being clingy, and he said “Fairly, but I don’t mind.” I hope I don’t get too annoying.

But still… half a year. It’s the longest I’ve ever dated someone, and this is my first serious relationship; same for him. It should be special, right?

The thing is, it’s hard for him to get out sometimes because his parents don’t know about me, so he has to come up with excuses. That gets inconvienient. And while I like just spending time with him, he wants to have something to do, but unfortunately, Hamilton’s not a very happening place.

And now he says I should spend more time with my friends… but… I thought I was. Right now, after the past two years’ drama, I’m somewhat lacking in friends to spend time with. Still, I try to get together with the ones who don’t hate me. I explained to him how I had to mostly start over friends-wise when I came to high school across the city and a grade earlier than my friends. I don’t mind not having many friends, and I like making new ones… so I don’t really understand where he’s coming from.

I never figured myself for the clingy type… now I’m worried he’ll get tired of me. No one could have predicted that, especially with my heartbreaker reputation. As usual, irony’s a bitch.

Bored of GW, tired of idiots, want chocolate and ice cream and/or chocolate ice cream. Still afraid of my kitchen drawer.

Is it possible to spam one’s own blog? ~_^

I think something bit me…

About last night. I apologized for calling him elitist and being bitchy (which he said was just bitter) and everything was okay… then we played some GW and he bought me new armor. So yay. Went to get it infused today and discovered it’s really easy for me to lead infusion runs. It helps to have stronger armor, but mostly I just know the way well now.

Was supposed to have an orthodontist appointment this morning and then go to the movies with some friends, but I felt sick and missed both. I missed my last orthodonotist appointment because of mono. So now I get to wear my braces for even longer. I LOVE LIFE.

Still feeling bitter I guess… also I’ve been hungry since last night but am scared to go into the kitchen after finding a big centipede skittering around in a drawer. Now I’ll have to wash everything inside. So I haven’t eaten for many hours. And I’m cold and I miss Ning… he’s sleeping right now. I want to too, but it would further mess up my already screwy sleeping patterns.

Ning said something to me the other day about a minute after waking up which he swears was meaningless, and I believe him, but I can’t figure out why he said it and despite trying to forget it like he said to, it’s still hurting. Probably definitely contributed to tonight’s outburst.

So I went back on MSN to try and talk things out. But nothing was getting done, so I said I’d drop it, and got accused of always dropping things without talking them through. Funny, I thought that was the opposite of what I was doing.

Now we’re mad at each other. Well, I’m more sad than mad, but he says he’s afraid he’ll “get [his] head bitten off” (nice passive voice there), so I guess I’m coming across as angry.

And now he wants to drop it. Well, whatthefuckever. Not like I’ll be able to sleep now. My head’s pounding and I don’t know who I’m angrier with, him or me or random morons on the internet. At least the latter are conveniently faceless to blame.

Why does “whatever” hurt so much?

In a bad mood. Tired of screwing up and feeling like a screwup in GW. Called Ning and/or another player elitist snobs in a mission because they were bickering and I was fed up at myself. Feel bad now… said a curt goodnight to Ning but miss him. Great now I’m going to cry.

Don’t particularly miss my virginity, but have disappointed a close friend. Sorry if you didn’t want to hear about that.

Also, have realized that I don’t know what exactly will happen in the next chapter of my fanfic. Haven’t written anything in far too long.

Ugh, I’m so pissed off at myself. And sick of feeling sorry for myself.

What the hell. I’m logging back on MSN so I don’t feel like a bitch.

Got money and Ning bought me a new cell phone, hooray. Down from the birthday high now… I was moody today, somewhat mad at Ning for staying up really late last night, maybe also because of yesterday’s events, I don’t really know. I feel better now though.

And now I’ve realized that since the contest is over, I have no real excuse not to work on my fanfic. So here I go, while Ning’s half-busy playing CS… we decided to stay up together tonight and sleep tomorrow. I’m tired right now, so I might not make a lot of sense.

i-m seems to be doing okay after nearly being pronounced dead… new members helped, plus Krysis popped in and Zero came back.

Not much of interest to say… dyeing my hair black the day after tomorrow, whee. Wish I’d done it sooner. Hope I don’t scare my grandparents too much.

Speaking of my grandparents… the fact that I can’t introduce Ning to them is really pissing me off. Also, constantly sneaking around his parents is frustrating. Stupid mothergodfucking cultural barriers. Yes I am offensive.

Question: How important is a girl’s virginity? Why do people think so?

I’m enjoying Boy on a Stick and Slither. It’s somewhat hit-and-miss, but the good ones have almost a Calvin-and-Hobbes feel.

Two new faces at i-m: HYPOCRiTE is a friend of mine and Ning’s, and I’m not sure who moomoo is, but Ning likes her so she must be nice. ^^

All credit for inviting goes to him; I mentioned that the forums were ailing and Ren was sad. Of course he did it for Ren. =P

Ning is currently pissed at a friend of mine and it’s rubbing off in everything he says and does. It was making me sad, but he validly rebutted with the fact that I get angry all the time, so I can’t really complain. Still… I don’t want him to be unhappy. Maybe I should stop being mad so that he won’t have an excuse.

I submitted a couple banners and icons to the Swordsmen (where did this “the” come from, btw?) before I learned how to make decent banners and icons. Hopefully they won’t be accepted, so that I can resubmit better versions later. I wouldn’t want my good name tied to crappy pictures.

Feel like such a Photoshop n00b T_T

Update: One icon was accepted. Yay. But I’m getting better at making stuff. Non-sarcastic yay!

My topper FINALLY updated so that I can see it! That took days o_o

I AM SO HUNGRY. And tired. I should sleep… but… I want to reclaim my imaginary position at Swordsmen. Stupid reason to stay up. Going to bed now!

But gawd am I hungry…

x_x

I slept in today and then went out to my niece’s 10th birthday party (double-digits woo!) and ended up not calling Pizza Hut. Yeah I meant to, but what’s the point? I’ve already assumed I’m not getting a job, since the place is hiring desperately and a lot of other people had interviews. Maybe I’ll call, maybe I’ll just forget about it.

I’m not so broken up about it. Sure I’d like a job, but not particularly that one. Busing up the escarpment every day would have been inconvenient anyway. I’d rather work at Shoppers… and now Matt has put EB Games into my head. I’d need to learn more about gaming stuff though. Oh man… what would rock would be to work somewhere like the 1up Games Ning and I went to yesterday. Old games and systems + Homestar Runner swag = <3 NES ftw!

But back to my niece’s party for a second. Her mom, my sister, has three other kids, aged 13, 4, and 1. So it’s a pretty busy place; we’re always making sure Rachel Abbey doesn’t get her head stuck in the couch (again) or Grace decides those Legos are too tasty to resist. Et cetera. I figure her family alone counts as one of the reasons I don’t want kids. Not that they’re in horrible shape or anything — it’s just that none of them were planned, and well… basically it’s not the kind of life I’d want to have. I’m pretty sure I’m not making any sense here.

But anyway, on the drive to her house, my mom was telling me stories about her family, which happens to be very screwed-up, with multiple fathers, lack of truth-telling and whatnot. And through the evening, I determined that one of the reasons I’m so against having children is that because of my family’s history, I associate them with a lot of negativity: poverty, lack of control, family problems and the like. Too often they are the source of so much trouble and, at the very least, inconvience.

So yes… no kids for me. And I plan to be VERY VERY VERY careful to ensure this.

Shall call tomorrow.

Why is my blog all screwy with Explorer??? It looks fine in Firefox.. and then I test that stupid header with IE and it all goes to shit T_T

Waited for The Call today… didn’t come. Now waiting on Ren’s advice. You people have two days to call me, or else!! Or else… I will call you. And I will be… POLITE!!

The interview went pretty well, I think, despite my bus never showing up — I had to call a cab all frantic-like. Miraculously, the cab arrived within minutes and I got there at exactly 1:15. I hope I don’t rue my honesty on the written assessment, where I admitted to sometimes being less than punctual. The rest was straightforward: I’m generally nice to people, stubborn (”determined”) and want every detail exactly right. Now all that’s left is knocking crossed fingers on wood.

I got caught in a thunderstorm on the way back from the bus stop; I felt the first few drops just before getting on the bus, and by the time I was a few blocks away from home I was running in the pouring rain and hoping lightning wouldn’t strike one of the many large trees along the way. I like the feeling of rain, just not getting soaked to my undergarments or dirtying the bottoms of my white pants. Suchapriss.

Hope the weather clears up so that I can go to the beach with Ning on Friday.

Tutoring in ten minutes. Considering running over and escorting my client across the street to my house. Knowing him he’ll probably just run through the rain.

Interview in one hour. Leaving to catch a bus in half an hour. Nervous, scared of failing as always.

I never did go into detail about my recent dramatic posts… basically, Ning and I had an argument about something stupid and we didn’t know how to resolve it, so even though we wanted to stay together, we wondered if doing so would be a good idea.

The supid thing we were arguing about was my name. Since I was little and my parents told me the story of how I was named, I’ve had in mind to change it when I got old enough. They were going to name me Amber Leigh, but when I was born, I was fat (9 lbs 2 oz) and red and generally ungraceful-looking. So they called me Sarah instead. Now, what kid wouldn’t then associate the name Sarah with a fat, red, awkward squirming little fleshball? And is it really any wonder that I, since four years old the opposite of fat, and either sallow or pale as paper — admittedly still pretty graceless though — feel the name doesn’t suit me?

That’s my two cents. What Ning said was that if I changed my name, he wouldn’t feel the same way about me because the girl he fell in love with was named Sarah; that’s who he created memories with, not Catherine or Kat or whomever. He explained how later on, it would be strange to say “I have all these great memories of Katherine” when he really had them of Sarah. I think he definitely had a point. But it was carried to the extent that he felt he wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with me if I had a different name, and I think that’s too far. I told him I was changing it anyway because I’d decided I would long before I met him, and at that point it seemed like a matter of whether to break up now or hang around pointlessly for another year until I legally change it.

There was a lot of other stuff about who was being selfish and refusing to respect what the other wanted… then in the end, he talked to someone who gently persuaded him to be more “open-minded” about it, and he apologized to me. He asked if he could call me Ryn (from Kathryn, and coincidentally the name of my Guild Wars monk) and I told him he could call me whatever he wanted. Even Sarah. (But we both agreed that would be weird.) So since then, he’s been playfully calling me Ryn off and on. I don’t know if he’s serious about it or if he’ll keep it up, but I don’t mind at all; I think it’s cute. Nobody else calls me Ryn, so it’s something special for him.

Interview in 35 minutes. Leaving to catch a bus in 5.

I have an interview tomorrow for Pizza Hut. Yay… but it’s just an interview.

Edit: Can anyone see a different topper? I changed it but it’s not updating, looks like the forest still to me.

People in my house have an inexplicable inability to close cupboard doors and drawers. I walk into the kitchen and it’s like some bizarre scene from The Sixth Sense, minus the cute little kid.

I’m considering applying for a job at Pizza Hut where my sister works. She says they’re hiring and they want smiley friendly people. I can do that if I have to. Just kidding — believe it or not, I’m actually quite good at putting on a perky face. Comes from acting, I guess. Anyway… the only thing is, I don’t want to feel like I’m using her because I’m too lazy to seek employment all by myself. Yeah I was sick before, but it’s high time I got up off my ass and started to support myself. I complain so much about my parents’ control, but other than that I’m not doing much to subvert it.

Yeah… in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been just a tad emotional lately. It’s usually best to ignore me when that happens… even this drama queen can learn to get over whatever it is. Things should be okay now.

Question: Is honesty worth it, if it destroys the very thing you’re using it to preserve?

One of the worst feelings ever is waking up in the morning and remembering the shit from last night — whatever you went to sleep trying to forget.

Things hurt a lot right now… and they don’t seem to be getting any better. I don’t want to break up and neither does he… so now we just don’t know what to do.

I don’t think relationships are supposed to consist of a tense stalemate. But I’m scared. I don’t want this to be just another name to add to my list of failed relationships. I wanted this to be different, and it is. And it’s great, a lot of the time. But sometimes it sucks. And the more you care, the more the bad times suck.

I’m not afraid of being alone, it’s not that. I’m afraid of failng the next time too… and the time after that.