Kat’s Pause 

Yesterday people started talking to me on MSN who haven’t talked with me in a while, even IRL. And I asked Veronica if she knew someone’s phone number. (Considering I’ve been avoiding her like the devil, yes that is a big deal.) Then today Daniel asked me if I was coming to his after-grad party which I’d previously assumed I wasn’t invited to since he mentioned it to everyone but me. To be honest, Ran’s still being, well, a bitch, but I’ve stopped seething with hate at the site of her, Veronica, and Beka. Beka doesn’t care one way or another so I figure, what the bloody hell, no point being mad at her. Why can’t people hurt me permanently? Am I that hard?

I’ve started hanging out with my other friends, but today I went to the hallway for the first time in a while. It was alright.

I don’t know what’s going on with Emilie, or whether anything’s going on at all, but I hope we can fix it. I hate this stalemate… I wish people would just say what they think. How difficult is that, really? It’s secrets that are exhausting.

Muahahaha, I love it: When I sign in to Yahoo now, it says “Hi, myboyfriendwillkickyourass!” This is going to be so much fun. I’m still only using it for pool, though.

Holy crap this is scary… I did that Kabalarian Philosophy thing on my first name and every freakin sentence of the result is true.

“Though the name Sarah creates the urge to understand and help others, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems.

“Your name of Sarah makes you easy-going and refined, but detracts from your physical vitality. You desire all the finer things in life–lovely clothes, home, furniture, and environment. However, procrastination is your worst enemy, and you find yourself lacking the ambition to make your dreams a reality often because of lack of confidence. People are inclined to take advantage of your sympathetic, tractable nature. You naturally attract people with problems who seek your understanding and advice.”

That’s me exactly. No other personality test or blood typing or anything has come that close. Maybe I shouldn’t change my name after all… let’s see what they say about other names I’ve considered.

Kathryn: Oh cripes. This is pretty much the exact opposite of me.

“Although the name Kathryn creates the urge to be original and self-reliant [true…], we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. [limits self-expression?! Noooo… the moodiness is accurate though] This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head. [I always screw up my feet, not head… but I do have a weak heart and I’ve had bronchitis before, and I get sore throats a lot. No major lung problems though.]

“Your first name of Kathryn has given you a studious nature, and the ability to concentrate on whatever you are doing [sometimes]. You could excel in mathematics [NOOO] or in positions where persistence, independence, and individuality are required. In personal associations, a lack of finesse in verbal expression often creates misunderstandings with others, especially with those close to you, because you find it difficult and embarrassing to express depth of feeling when situations arise requiring diplomacy, understanding, and affection.” [I pride myself on my communication skills. Although it’s much easier in writing than speaking. Hmm.]

Let’s try Kat:

“Though the name Kat creates the urge to be creative and original [yay!], we call attention to the challenge of controlling temper as a result of a highly intense, dissatisfied, and restless quality. [um no…] This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses or accidents to the head, worry and mental tension. [fwah, I suppose I got worry and mental tension while modding at Swordsmen…]

“Your first name of Kat has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature [possibly, but I don’t really think so]. While you are creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests or changing circumstances.” [That part could be true.]

Interestingly, ‘Catherine’ got exactly the same result as ‘Sarah’ — word for word.

And one more — this is mostly for Mav:

“The name Lydia creates the urge to be creative and original [yes], but we draw to your attention that the name causes a superior, interfering quality that tends to resent the opinions of others [somewhat, yes]. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses or accidents to the head, worry and mental tension [meh, maybe].”

“The first name of Lydia leads you to assume considerable responsibility and to prefer to work independently, without direction or interference from others because you have very definite ideas of your own. Your mind is quick to comprehend and you can be depended upon to do any job well. Because you tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist, you might insist on doing too many things yourself instead of delegating jobs to others who might do less satisfactory work. This name does make you quite direct and straight-to-the-point. ”

The second paragraph is true, but the first isn’t as much. Sounds kinda spunky though, eh Mav? ; ) By the way, that Yahoo ID (myboyfriendwillkickyourass[at]yahoo.ca) didn’t work, there was some kind of error. I’ll have to try again later.

I have decided that I am no longer skinny, not too much anyway. Me and meh damn child-bearing hips. (Have I mentioned yet that I don’t ever want children, ever? Despite the historical fertility of the women in family; it’s like minimum four kids each.) I’ve slowly gotten less bony, and even though I don’t weigh much, I think I’m okay for my height. Hooray for high Slavic body fat percentages! I hope I don’t get fat or anything (happened to my sister — she went from underweight to overweight in a year), that would be annoying.

The weather’s beautiful. This past week, with the exception of one or two days, has felt like summer. I’m eating Pop-Tarts and it’s Ning’s and my (phrasing?) 3-month ‘anniversary’ today ^.^ So I’m feelin’ alright.

but it’s too vague for people to understand. I have to fix it. It’s the first real thing I’ve written since my writer’s craft class last semester. Teh shame.

White as an angel in the hard grey snow
A tiny melody floats up—
thin and high as water, harmonies raw and organic as milk

Come close, she’s humming low now
Tired, maybe—but she mustn’t sleep.
Come on baby, won’t you sing us a song?

I think I am officially tired of the name Kathryn Kelly. It’s annoyed me for a while, but I didn’t want to change to something else since I started using it on so many different sites. Only problem now is, ‘Kat’ has stuck (and I rather like it), and that won’t go with my pen name ‘SC Kelly’ (from Sarah Catherine). I’ve always preferred Kathryn to Catherine, but SK Kelly looks and sounds hideous, blending together in one’s eye to form the abominable ‘Skkelly’. I guess the problem is that ‘SC Kelly’ leaves nothing to call me on an everyday basis. ‘Catherine’ is too long, and I would loathe ‘Sarah’ if it wasn’t too boring for feelings. I hate it when people call me that — it sounds strange and unnatural, no less so when my friends, family or even Ning say it. I’ve just never felt that name belongs to me. The most natural-feeling name is Katie; once, my friend called me that a few times by accident and neither one of us noticed. I think I look like a Katie too. Next up would be Catherine/Kathryn. I never liked ‘Lila’ (my other middle name) much; it doesn’t look like a real name, and most L-names sound blonde to me.

Yeah, so in case you haven’t pieced it together yet, my name is Sarah Catherine Lila. Do me a big favour and don’t call me that. ^.^

Surprisingly, this is the first time I’ve ever posted the words ‘Kathryn Kelly’ in my blog, excluding random links using my photobucket account. I can now be traced and my innermost thoughts revealed to the world. o_O Yeah… I don’t care so much.

Star Wars: Episode III was very enjoyable. I don’t feel like writing anything else, or doing much of anything today. I’m becoming more apathetic every day. I don’t think I’m depressed because I’m happy sometimes, like when I’m with Ning… maybe I’m just sadder now that he’s gone back for another two weeks. The weekend was a high for me, spending every day with him, and now it’s back to school, avoiding former friends, and being broke. Also, my school’s music banquet is tonight, and I’ve decided not to go. Ning can’t come, Jenny’s not going, and I can’t stand half the people I would normally hang out with. My last music banquet and I’m not going. Well, it’s not like I’d be winning anything.

I had a chance to redeem myself and play my violin one last time and I didn’t take it. There are two practices before a concert-thing on Thursday: the first was this morning, but when 6:30 shrilly greeted me, I couldn’t get up. (Was at a friend’s BBQ last night, then couldn’t fall asleep until 2 am. I’m just damned tired.) The second is tomorrow. There’s no way I could pull it off with just two practices. That’s part of the reason I’m not going to the music banquet — I was too scared to brave the music room to buy a ticket. A large part of me is upset about missing it, but the rest of me is too empty to care. I feel hollow and meaningless and fragile as blown glass.

I’m a fairly eccentric person. It’s been my experience that most people think they’re not quite like everyone else, but not only am I odd, I’m also full of contradictions. I’m pessimistic, but hopelessly romantic. I’m obssessive and apathetic. I’m a disorganized clean-freak. I’m a lazy perfectionist, a sardonic idealist, and today Ning gave me a new one: hypocritical critic. I like Farore’s “virgin whore” too. Anyone have more suggestions? No fear of offense, I’ve heard it all before in much meaner spirit. ^^

On another subject, my mom’s got it into her head that I should become an editor. Might as well aim for the CEO of A Very Large Company. I considered it a while ago, since I love editing and writing and I think I’m decently good at it, but it’s one of those things you have to work your way up for and be an unknown underling for sooooo long… I just feel so discouraged about this whole career business. I should really be doing more about my writing though — I went to my school’s poetry club thingy for a few meetings before I, um, forgot about it… well, first I got busy, then I forgot about it. Talking to my teacher yesterday has encouraged me to come back. He says I should edit the school’s literary magazine. (If not this year, then maybe the next, since I’m coming back for one semester.) I would love to, although I do feel guilty about not coming to meetings… I promise to be more responsible from now on. I even cleaned my room today. O.O

What I came here meaning to say: Today I finally got to see Ning (JOY) and after a short walk in the beautiful summery weather, we watched Star Wars: Episodes I and II. The dialogue was awful, but I didn’t think they were all that bad. FX were cool, of course, and you can’t beat Yoda with a lightsaber. (Double meaning NOT intended!) Tomorrow we’re going to see Episode III, which I heard is quite good. All in all, it’s been a good day and I’m a happy Kat.

Talked to my old writer’s craft teacher today. We chat every now and then; he’s such a sweet old man. He’s still urging me to self-publish an anthology of poetry and short stories — it was our ISU to submit a manuscript, so publishing through Café Press isn’t technically necessary, but he’s so enthusiastic about it that I want to do it just to make him happy. The main reason I didn’t do it last semester when I had the class was because the instructions are so damn complicated. It’s an interesting coincidence: Ning had the same class next year, and he (ever the computer whiz) personally set up everybody’s account so that the whole class got to make little books. In my class, only one or two people actually managed to do it. I was hesitant to ask Ning for help then because we weren’t going out at the time and I didn’t want to lead him on. Needless to say, that’s no longer a concern, so I’m going to see if I can go through with it. Now my teacher keeps trying to enlist Ning’s help so that the other classes can publish. Ahh, I’m so proud of his smartness. And he’s a really good writer too. ^^ [/brag]

I know publishing is supposed to be a huge deal, but I don’t think self-publishing is even close to the same thing. Any moron can publish something of his own, whether it’s the next bestseller or the worst crap that ink was ever forced to reproduce. (I just had the disturbing analogy of bad writing to some form of ink molestation. o_o) It’s the test of submitting work to something and then getting it accepted that’s a huge deal. If I want to self-publish, I’ll just drop by FictionPress.com. It was far more meaningful to me to win my city’s writing contest last year. Plus that’s free.

I keep swearing off emoticons, but they’re just so irresistible. ^.^

Last night I spent a few hours at Indie Zelda drooling over the most gorgeous fan art and stories. Jesus, I’ve been so lazy this week… I tried to figure out how I burned so much time, and came up with: Ning… Zelda… Splinter Cell. If only there were some way to combine my loves! So I drew a little chibi Ning with Link’s hat, Sam’s goggles, the Master sword in one hand, a gun in the other, in Link’s costume… doing the split jump. XD I still think there’s not enough blatant SC in it though. He looks way too happy to be throttling someone. XDDD

I really REALLY need to write something for the contest, or at least get an idea. I haven’t had any non-novel ideas since my writer’s craft class last semester. I think English class, especially that godawful Perrine and maybe King Lear, has sucked all my creativity. Why oh why can’t I think of anything?? I’ve always sucked at short stories and I’ve never been much of a poet, but now I just feel totally dry. I reread White Oleander, hoping for inspiration, but the only ideas I got fizzled and I ended up fruitless and frustrated. (And I don’t even like alliteration, or the letter f.) Maybe I’ll go listen to the LotR: RotK soundtrack.

I wonder if I could do something with “Monsters”… but it’s so very old now. I wrote it some time last year while I was playing Ocarina of Time. (The character was inspired by Sheik! XD)

Her eyes pierce out from behind of jagged curtain of white-hot hair. Eyes of red fire and molten steel; eyes of crystal ice and frozen blue steel. They flash, flaming, for an instant, then drop coldly to the ground.

A small, hard voice whispers, “No.�

Then the Sheik-inspiration ended and the pseudostory took a different turn.

Hmm, maybe I could do a little more on that thing I started called “Wind and Sand.” Original fiction inspired by the Arabianness of my PoP fic:

The warm west breezes rolled softly over the sand-hills, caressing [Jana]’s skin, whistling through slender fingers and teasing the thin fabric of her clothing. The wind was not strong enough to upset much of the sand, but only sent it shimmering in low waves.
–
The wind picked up, insistent now, and the sand stirred restlessly in response, swirling in endless circles like [Jana]’s turbulent thoughts.
–
Then it shifted, and now carried the misty scent of the shaua blossoms.

I thought of a plot, but as usual, it’s for a novel. I’m so bad at short stories. I suppose I could clean up the one I submitted last year, “After the Fairy Tale” — it did get an honourable mention — but no, it’s too old, and I never really liked it anyway. I should have submitted plotless “Monsters”; I liked that one. It’s not as if I thought “After the Fairy Tale” would win anyway.

I need something new, not recycled. But my only half-decent poem from the last few months is too suggestive, and unfinished.

I meant to say this Monday, but it slipped my mind. That ISU oral presentation? It was for TUESDAY. I’ve known since February that it would be May 17, so I can’t figure out how sometime on the weekend I got it in my head that I was presenting Monday. Of course, it was super-nice not to be up all night the day before like I usually am. Got to watch Finding Neverland too. I should do things early more often. Like hell that will actually happen, but it’s a nice idea.

The presentation went pretty well, I thought. My teacher really liked it, which is the only thing I care about, so I’m happy. But oh, if only I had managed to find a lab coat! She loves when people dress up. A plague on whomever failed to return the lab coats to the drama department! I shall hunt thee down and torture thee with Asimovian themes. 0_- *twitch*

Tonight is my last ever music concert. It would be the last time I’ll play the violin if I hadn’t decided not to play… I haven’t been practicing and I don’t know the music well enough. They’re telling me to come anyway, but I’m too ashamed of how awful I sound. So I’ll just sing in choir and leave quietly. It makes me sad that my violin career is ending this way, but I guess if I really cared, I should have made more of an effort.

Update: I added a comment that’s like five times longer than this post o_o But that’s okay! Comments are for anything except spam. ^^

Excellent movie. First mature character I’ve ever seen Johnny Depp play, and he did it superbly. A few places almost made me cry. You should watch it. The end.

It’s fun to set Sims up in interesting situations, but this time I actually didn’t plan it: Lily just caught her husband in bed with… her mother. Add to this the fact that she’s pregnant and has just started an affair with the maid, and it’s one big happy mess! Plus Lily and Aidyn never wanted to get married or have a baby in the first place. They both have ‘romantic’ aspirations, which basically means they’re swingers who want to have as much free love as possible without getting caught. (Same goes for her mother.) Oh EA, you have no boundaries.

I also discovered a shocking scandal inherent to the game: Lily was flirting with the maid one time when there was a guest in the house, and suddenly the guest jumped up, outraged. Surprised at this new development, I checked his bio and discovered that he is actually Daniel Pleasant, a ‘happily’ married man with two teenage daughters! The little cheat’s been consorting with the household help too. I wonder how many other unsatisfied Sims she’s ‘helped’…

And I’m up late again for no reason. Well, technically I was playing The Sims 2, but that’s too meaningless to count. I should sleep, but I’m not. Why? I don’t know. What I really should be doing is planning my oral presentation for Monday. Considering I’ve been scared of it for months now, you’d think I would have done something on it by now. But nope; as always happens, I have no ideas and so I avoid thinking about it. Marvelous solution. Sure got me through philosophy. -__- But seriously, if I suck at this oral presentation, I screw over my English mark and by association, my life.

I want to talk to Ning (he couldn’t come up this weekend), but if I go on MSN now it’ll only keep him up, and he needs sleep more than I do. I wish that boy would go to bed! He’s far worse than me about it. At least I sleep if I really need to… because I know if I don’t, I’ll get sick. Sigh. I worry about him sometimes… well, a lot, but not nearly as much as I used to, and not in the same way.

Why are we so messed up.

Argh, I’m hungry. I’m always hungry. I read some thing in the newspaper about physical versus emotional eating, and have determined that I’m definitely an emotional eater. Not that it matters; for me, the more I eat, the healthier I am. Moreover, it balances out the times when I’m hungry but have no appetite.

I can almost walk normally again, yay. I still have a toenail, which is nice, but it’s not any less purple than it was before.

I have two songs alternately stuck in my head: Twilight and Mist, from Legends of the Fall, and Bill, from Showboat. I still want to take vocal lessons.

Last night (at 5 am) I had another idea for a Zelda story. I already have about five waiting to be written, most of them dark-themed and about half involving Dark Link because that concept is so intriguing, but this one’s different. It includes a new original character named something like Naahz (pronounced “Nozh”) who may or may not be evil, but she certainly isn’t what she appears…

Link finds Naahz chained up in the Shadow Temple. She’s very skinny and pale, with shockingly black hair and deep-set red-brown eyes. She wears a tattered white dress and no shoes. Link, being the valiant hero that he is, frees her. They either go their separate ways, or she joins him for a bit, having nothing else to do. She’s a sort of ally, although she’s very guarded and Link can’t completely trust her. Then she does something bad, or just unexpected, I don’t know what — and he stops trying to trust her and, despite her pleas, looks at her through the Lens of Truth. What he sees is… a surprise. I have one idea but I don’t know what it means yet so I’ll just leave it at that. I doubt I’ll ever get around to fleshing out this story, but it was fun to create her character and imagine them both starting to cry as Link, trembling, slowly raises the Lens, then drops it in horror at her “true” form… I also did a quick 5am-sans-glasses sketch of Naahz chained up.

Going Under the Well was the most scared I have ever been in a Zelda game. After the happy lightheartedness of Kokiri Forest and Lon Lon Ranch, I was totally not expecting that horrifying place. It didn’t help that I mistakenly played the slightly kiddyish Wind Waker before Ocarina of Time, so I didn’t know Zelda games even had that potential. *shudder*

Unbelievable: in all my absentmindedness and general penchant for doing stupid things, nothing unlucky happened to me yesterday. I’m rather disappointed. After all, wouldn’t it be convenient if we could confine all our misfortunes to a certain day or event? We could schedule our important things around it, safe in the knowledge that all would be well and nothing terrible could ruin our plans. I think it would be wonderful if such superstitions were true.

Ning might be coming up this weekend!! He’d previously said the weekend of the 20th at the earliest, so this is great news. It always sucks when you have huge important troubles and then work through them and then you can’t even see each other… makes me sad. How am I supposed to be all committed and shit if I never see him? Not that that’s any excuse, I know. Damn do I know. -_- Oh, but I am being such a very good Kat now.

The only problem is that I need to have my English ISU oral presentation ready for Monday, and I currently have no ideas on how to present Asimov’s stuff to the class. I’ll have to do it tonight if I want to spend time with Ning guilt-free. Yeah. That’s going to happen.

I was playing Splinter Cell yesterday and the night before when I couldn’t move anywhere, and I now suck less. Hurrah! Sticky shockers are my friend. Almost done the game, but I don’t play it very often, so it’s going slowly. Haven’t touched Tales of Symphonia in a while, despite its cute anime charm… I need to not suck so much at combat, which means changing the autonomicy of the computer so that I have more control, which unless I’m mistaken means starting a new game. Which would be annoying.

Bashed my toe up real nice today, had to go to the emergency room because of blood under the nail. Hurt like a bitch, but it ended up kinda draining itself (they didn’t have to poke any holes in me), so it feels better now. Apparently I’m still going to lose the toenail. THATISSOGROSS.

I’m listening to Elvis XD

Recent interest in the King was inspired by the documentary starring Johnathon Rhys-Meyers (whom I love ^^). The first part aired on Sunday night; the second is tomorrow. Although he’s no Michael Buble, I rather like Elvis.

Sometimes, especially when I’m angry, I feel like going on a goth/punk kick. Probably a rebellious thing, to make my mother squirm without actually getting myself into trouble, as well as a self-confidence boost. I don’t know why, but I make a good goth (so I’ve been told). Suddenly that styling of clothing appeals to me; I browse through hair gel and Emily Strange websites; I forego my usual laziness in favour of eyeliner (brown, not black); I ask Ning if he still wants me to die my hair black — or blue, as he said on Saturday. I’m trying to find a place to get my nose pierced, although I figure I’ll wait until after graduation (June) just in case something goes wrong. Plus then my friends won’t have as much opportunity to shun me. XP

I need money; I’m currently in debt. Possible places to apply for a summer job:
Shoppers Drug Mart
Ardene
Canadian Tire (teh scary… I know nothing about anything in that store, and I once compared shopping there with Ning to feeling like a guy in a lingerie store, only a lot less fun)
One thing I don’t want to do is sell clothing. Or work at McDonald’s.

Today I decided, to hell with it, the extra energy expenditure involved in actively avoiding someone isn’t worth it. So when Natalie wanted to go up to the hallway, I said sure, why not. We went, I was civil (as always) and nothing terrible happened. There’s something I should say about me: I have no capacity to stay angry at someone. I’ll be pissed as all hell for a while, but it fades within a day. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to stay angry at people (especially my parents) and swore to myself that I would never forgive them, but… I can’t. I thought that after Veronica tried to sabotage my relationship with Ning that I would have a constant urge to kill her, etc, but it’s not so. I’ll never respect her again, but I just can’t summon up enough fuel for constant, everyday hatred.

I meant to write something about the hallway (hence the title) since it’s been a fixture in my friend’s lives and mine for three years now, but there’s not much to say. For years, we’ve been eating lunch in the exact same spot, and everyone knows what’s meant by “the hallway.” This year’s domestic troubles and internal divisions have seen the introduction of the term “the hallway people,” which as more of us have left has slowly dwindled to mean Ran, Veronica, and a few others, as referred to by those who no longer frequent the hallway (such as Ning, who’s graduated, or Jenny, who never comes, or me, who comes roughly half the time). Remarks have been made on the… comportment… of the hallway people, especially as the group mentality seems to differ from individual behaviour. In short, many of us are not happy with the way the hallway people are acting. I could never have imagined them undertaking something so cruel as what Veronica did on Sunday. Make no mistake: I am not totally innocent. I did some stupid things without thinking about the repercussions. But I did not cheat on Ning, and if I had, it’s up to me to tell him about it, not someone who resents me from a past misunderstanding, has been on bad terms with him for a while, and above all has stopped talking to me ages ago, so it’s not like she knows what she’s on about. She and Ran have a lot of wrong ideas that they don’t give a damn about verifying; they’d rather spread their opinions as fact to as many people as possible. Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t think that’s what friends do for each other.

Calm down. It’s still here, safe and sound.

A few notes:

- I’m waiting until I’m 17, just because.
- I’m waiting until Ning thinks I won’t regret it (who knows how long).
- If I can wait until next year, and especially next February 26, I’m pretty sure I’ll feel a lot better about it.
- It would be quite safe if I waited until I was engaged.
- Marriage is a long, long time away (minimum five years, because of school) and it doesn’t seem logical to wait until then.

Veronica told Ning… something. I’m afraid he may have believed her.

Update: (4:58 AM) It was difficult, and scary. But we got through it. And the makeup sex was hawt.

…just kidding.

Consider yourself warned: if it makes you uncomfortable to think about me thinking about sex, since I’m not having it, please don’t read.

I’m trying to remember why I wanted so badly to wait until marriage. Separated from the religious influence, my reasoning seems to fall apart. There’s the entire concept of sexual compatibility that I didn’t take into consideration when I made the promise to stay “pure” until marriage. God knows I’m not pure, but although I’ve come damned close, I’m still a virgin. I’ve been wearing my True Love Waits ring for years now, and it’s become somewhat meaningless. The lack of religion is a huge part of it, because without the fear of God to strike me down, I’ve begun to make decisions based on other factors — secular ones I wouldn’t have considered before, or even known about, because of my age when I made the decision to wait.

My problem right now is, Ning and I want to really badly. He’ll wait for me, for which I love him, but I want to too. My reasons for abstaining are becoming few and paltry: the top one now is probably that Stacey said she’d kill me, because she doesn’t want me getting hurt. Other reasons include fear of regret, and a dislike for the number 16. It just looks too young, you know? I think of how it sounds to say “I lost my virginity when I was 16.” Ewww. Even 17 isn’t so bad. I consider 18 respectable… but that’s a damned long time away. I’m not worried about pregnancy or STDs because I’m on the pill and Ning and I are both completely inexperienced. So why do I care?

Waterloo!!! Despite worried parents and other obstacles, I got out to the university today. It’s-a very nice. I’d never been on any campus besides McMaster before, and I’d never seen residences. The places we toured were two cozy little religious places; one Mennonite and one Catholic. We liked the Catholic ones better because they had nicer washrooms and the rooms, although smaller, included fridges and sinks. Ning lives in a different part, “village residenceâ€? with single rooms. I’m quite proud of myself that I found his room with nothing more to go on than the elusive “N5.â€? Was it a building, a sector of the campus, a room number? It turned out to be a section of the village housing, North-zone-5. I met a lot of his friends and they seem cool, although tired and hungover this morning. XP Ning wasn’t hungover, but we were both tired; him from staying up discussing religion, and me from Emilie’s birthday party/sleepover last night.

Walking around outside is freakishly quiet; there’s a lot of space to fill, and most people are inside. And there are Canada Geese everywhere. Watching Cindy chase around the fat honking birds was amusing.

I had toyed with the idea of going to Waterloo (yes, partly because of Ning), but seeing the actual place and especially rez gave my musings a sense of reality — almost purpose. I could see myself there, doing laundry, hanging in the lounges, personalizing my room, partying after exams. I almost feel ready to go.

As for the remainder of my high school career: On Friday I dropped philosophy and made plans to take it and calculus again next year, in addition to English Lit. I will be so glad to get out of this nutty, petty place.

My hair smells like Ning. That’s not really good or bad… but my legs are frickin sore from running around yesterday. Need to start thinking about exercising, or something. I get tired too damn easily and I’m, well, tired of it.

Made a guidance appointment for tomorrow to drop philosophy, and told my teacher and a few friends. As expected, the friends were shocked, the teacher was significantly less so. (Half the class already dropped out.)

Omigod might be going up to Waterloo on Saturday, as a guest of one of my smarter friends to an awards banquet. Sooo excited. Enough to say “omigod” and not hit myself. XDDD Even apart from seeing Ning, I’ve never been on campus before or in the dorms. I’m still thinking about applying there; they do have a great Co-op program… we shall see.

I’ve pretty much made up my mind to drop philosophy. I love the course, but I started out badly and haven’t done much to get back on my feet, and consequently now have the worst course mark I have ever gotten in any class. Ever. I have to go to school in two hours and I have about three sentences of my opinion paper written. I just don’t know what the hell I think about anything. I can take phil next year instead of a filler course like economics.

I’m afraid to try and sleep for an hour, because I’m not the kind of person who can nap; when I try, I sleep for blocks of about six hours. Better to just stay up and be shit tired all day than incur the formidable wrath of my bio teacher for being late. Although I was so tired yesterday that I kept falling asleep during the Holocaust seminar, which made me feel really, really guilty… well, I’ll get through today and then sleep tonight.

Also: I changed the blog’s time just now because for some reason it’s always been an hour slow. But the timestamps are all still wrong — this one should say 7:15. Timestamps will be correct as of next post.

My ethics evaluation and opinion paper are due tomorrow, and I have the biggest craving for Bawls right now. Sooo gooood…

Except I associate Bawls with Ning, and that makes me sadder.

…I should really stop whining so much, but a lot of things suck.

Oh yeah! It snowed today, for a couple minutes. Snow. In May. x_x