Kat’s Pause 

Forums slow, blogs slow. My own writing has dried up. Why does it seem like there’s nothing to say?

That and Ning leaving is making me feel depressed. Oh, and let’s not forget my best friend turning against me and turning others against me just for the hell of it. I keep snapping at my parents and they don’t know why. I feel kind of bad for them, but mostly I just wish they’d leave me alone.

I’m hopefully going to go see the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy tonight with Ning and some of his friends. Here’s praying I actually get in… I have no idea how crowded it’s going to be.

Saw Ning unexpectedly at school today. Such a nice surprise… it made my day. ^.^ But I’m still wondering how I’m going to arrange transportation to Waterloo when he goes back Sunday… *sniffle*

Have SO much schoolshit due at the beginning of next week, plus two quizzes. I plan to enjoy tonight, and then bury myself in work when Ning goes away.

Update: Well, I liked the movie, even if no one else did… I should reread the books though, to see what they got right and wrong.

A while ago, my friends said they’d shun me if I got my nose pierced. Today my mom said it’s “gross.” But surprisingly, my dad thinks it’s cute! And Ning, who was the first person I asked, said the same. I agree; I’m not trying to look tough or anything like that, I just like the way it would look. Now, to find a reputable place…

I wrote this whole long entry, then my computer decided to close all my programs. No way am I writing it all again. But now I’m pissed. It just did this yesterday while I was playing the Sims too. And my game is screwed up because it doesn’t save unless you exit properly, so I lost a lot of gameplay. I am so sick of losing shit.

Update: And now I’ve pissed off my boyfriend.

Had a fight with Ning last night, was on MSN for hours and hours trying to work things out… missed by bus cause I was tired, found out I got 72 on the bio unit test. Seventy-freaking-two. I wasn’t expecting much cause I was tired and sick when I wrote it, but I still feel ashamed. It’s biology, for Christ’s sake… and I’m only getting 87 in the course. Didn’t hand in my epistemology evaluation… I think that’s the first time I’ve ever missed handing something in since useless enrichment math assignments two years ago. I’m not as upset about it as I should be.

Went to see my family doctor yesterday morning, discovered I’m 5′1.5″ and 104 lbs, with low-ish blood pressure. Apparently that’s okay. So yay.

I’ve been pretty… mellow, since NYC. But this mess of rumours and assumptions and general gossip is getting to me. I know I shouldn’t care what they say about me, but Goddamnit, the one was my best friend a year ago and the other two don’t even know me. I didn’t piss on her when she was acting like a whore, and I didn’t do a bloody thing for her to call me what she did. And at least one other girl is lying to Jenny and me. I wish they’d just insult me to my face; it would be a lot less complicated for all of us.

Will I write more later? I don’t know. I’ll post something about getting my palm read in NY, that was fun. Right now I have to go get ready; Ning and I are going to see Sahara tonight. (We already made plans before last night’s troubles, and thankfully resolved the troubles too.)

I know I said I’d write stuff, but I’ve been shit tired since I got home and I have a ton of schoolcrap to do for tomorrow. And I’m still sick. Bleh.

I got back at around 6:00 today, ate some Chinese food (hehe… story to come later), went over to Jenny’s house, then went out with Ning, and now am officially back home. My crummy city looks weird and empty now after the density of New York City; you get over the sensory overload suprisingly quickly. I’m freakin’ tired now, having slept a total of about eight hours in four days, so I’ll post stuff about the trip later. But cue the Hallelujah chorus, ’cause I did not have to share a room with “Mary.” ^.^ Overall it was really fun and I had a great time.

Oh, and Ren: I do say “y’all” sometimes (after which I cover my mouth and blush), typically when I’m really tired. Comes from multiple visits with American family and friends.

This will be my last post before I leave for NYC at freakin’ 5:30 AM tomorrow morning. I’ll be back Sunday evening. In the meantime, post in dem forums!!

Bye ^.^

I usually shower in the morning, but last night I washed my hair and slept on it wet. I just looked in a mirror for the first time today, and it’s frickin’ straight! I always let my dye-damaged hair air-dry when it’s wet and never bother styling it, so it frizzes and bends in odd ways. This straightness was really unexpected, but no less fabulous.

I also pianted my nails sparkly pale pink the other day. Gotta love the little bits of superficiality in life.

To change the subject, I’ve been drawing a lot more recently. It’s partly due to Hannah’s cool anime art, which has inspired me to tentatively experiment with the style after a grostesque failure years ago. All my Asian friends are still better though. T.T

That Sim had… intimate relations with the Grim Reaper. And then she had a freaking baby. That is wrong in more ways than I can count, and I am scarred, scarred for life. O_O

I just listened to my mother’s story of how she met and married her first husband. It was a wonderful story; I wish I had recorded it so that I could write it out. It was very romantic and richly real, without all the pretentious drama and cheap Hollywood plot devices we quickly become used to. He was her Prince Charming — he, dirt-poor, AWOL, and in a motorcycle gang.

She divorced him over twenty years ago, and saw him again a few years ago at my sister’s (their daughter’s) house for Christmas. She told me tonight that he had wanted them to get back together. She thought it was funny. But I can’t help but wonder… as she said herself, how can you not love a guy who changed your world, who risked (and served) a prison sentence for you, who shovelled snow off sidewalks all morning to pay the vet bill for your sick cat?

She has a lot of regrets about marrying my father. They’re going to get a divorce soon — at least, I hope they will and won’t chicken out again for religious reasons or for “the kids,” of whom I at sixteen years old am the youngest. People who don’t love each other and who wish they had never married, should not be married.

I wrote a poem in French. I don’t know French. But I wrote it anyway. It almost makes sense!

la lune, comme l’argent, lumière aqueuse
votre visage; un portrait sans retouche
une mélodie erre près
est allé
l’instant passager, temps passera
chaque chose passera
nous buvons le moment comme le vin
fort
euphorique
irréel
trop bon pour être vrai, pour être réel

Je me réveille de mon rêve
seulement, sans vous

It’s supposed to mean something like:

the moon, like silver, aqueous light
your face, [an unretouched portrait]
a melody wanders past
is gone
the fleeting instant, time passes
all things pass
we drink the moment like wine
strong
heady
unreal
too good to be true, to be real

I awaken from my dream
alone, without you

The end. Thank you Google translator. It’s basically meaningless in both languages; it was just an experiment. Kinda fun, even though I haven’t taken French in four years.

[Title comes courtesy of my old math teacher, who is so cute. ^^]

I’ve been in a pretty good mood today, despite having to take a cab to school so that I wouldn’t be late for biology. It’s probably from completing my poetry essay in two hours this morning after an awful night of wrestling with it and finally falling asleep on the couch… I tried to write it last night, but just… couldn’t. And I kept nodding off. After a couple hours of sleep, I got up, took a shower, and then sat down and wrote that damned essay until 9:30. (Thank God for first-period spares.) It didn’t turn out as badly as it could have. I’m just glad it’s over. Now for the epistemology paper due Monday…

Today started horrible and almost immediately started getting much better. Got a surprising 98 on the last poetry test, woo! And then got to watch the two plays my school did for the Sears Drama Festival (which I decided not to try out for after the stress of West Side Story): The Least Offensive Play in the Whole Darn World; and The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged. I was looking forward to the first one from what I’d heard of it, and figured I’d sit through Shakespeare, which was directed and (I believe) written by, and also starred, Mr. Drama Queen himself (he’s straight), who played Riff in West Side. He’s funny, but a bit insufferable. As it turned out, The Least Offensive Play was great, especially their rendition of Rent, and the Shakespeare was hilarious. The Queen’s baudy sense of humour was ideal for a summary/parody of all the Bard’s works. Some highlights:
- Othello rap (our school is full of white preps, as they mentioned onstage)
- Romeo and Juliet with the latter in drag (”I don’t wanna kiss you, man!”)
- Titus Andronicus, the cooking show
- all 16 comedies in one
And that’s only scratching the surface — plus the acting was superb. Kudos, all you guys! Those crazy late rehearsal nights were worth something in the end… as they always are.

Anyone seen Dead Poets Society? Remember that poetry textbook out of which Robin Williams had his class rip the introduction? It gave a formula on how to calculate the greatness of a poem by plotting on a graph its perfection versus its importance. To quote Williams’ character: “Excrement.” Well, that is precisely what we’re learning in my English class right now. Same formula, possibly the same book. (I’m sure they changed the title and author for the movie.) And the same ridiculously narrow-minded attitude toward “good” poetry.

The best part is, I have philosophy and English back-to-back in the afternoon, and today in philosophy we watched that exact clip of Dead Poets Society — after which I went to English and copied phrases verbatim from that goddamned book. Gotta play the game and all that. So every English class, I try to turn off the part of my brain that does the thinking about anything worth thinking about — the value of art and what is beauty and the subjectivity of the word “good.” Every day I try to open my mind to new ideas, and then immediately squash it into a tiny place where it can’t protest stuff like Perrine’s analysis of Say Not the Struggle Naught Availeth. Or vice versa when the timetable’s reversed and I have English before philosophy: close, then open; compact, then expand. I can feel my brain turning to mush.

Right now I’m trying to write an essay on what makes a certain poem better than the other. The only source we’re allowed to use is that wretched poetry book. This class makes me wish I was too stupid to care.

Got Tales of Symphonia yesterday, a present from Ning. It’s good so far, but I have to learn how to battle so that I don’t die all the time. T.T

I love smart people — even when they’re sneaky and manipulative. I had a substitute teacher in philosophy today, which is rare in itself, because they don’t typically provide subs to senior classes. About a third of the class showed up, all but one of us female, and I was a little surprised that we all actually did some work. I think the teacher was too, because he said he was going to make a list of our names and put in into our regular teacher’s mailbox so that she’d know how highly motivated we were. Pleased with ourselves, we continued half-working until a bit later when he got our attention again, announcing that as a way of “motivating” us even more, he was going to ask us what we had accomplished so far during the period and what we planned to finish by the end. It seemed simple enough, but that’s when I started getting a little nervous. He came around to each of us — there were only about seven in total — and thank God I didn’t bullshit (much of) what I told him, because right after that, he mentioned casually that he was memorizing what we were saying — it wasn’t just going “in one ear and out the other.” I can’t get over how nice he sounded, and so full of praise, while he was quietly frying us alive. I don’t care if he was lying about memorizing whatever; the effect was still there.

Well, I started actually doing work after that, and I was glad of it, because as it turns out, John Stuart Mill’s essay on Utilitarianism is pretty damn good. A few minutes later, he told us that he was going to read the essay too (to be fair or something, I don’t remember the explanation for that one) and ask us questions about it later. Oh joy!

He didn’t get around to that one, but at the end of class he came to each of us and had us record on his paper — the list of our names to go in our teacher’s mailbox — what we had done. Fortunately by then I managed to take some notes and answer half the questions, which was about as far as the others got too, so I only felt slightly guilty for not working before.

That guy was cool. I wish I knew his name, but he doesn’t teach at my school. I would love to be in his class, because I know it would squelch my laziness; I like it when teachers give me a reason to work. It takes some effort on their part, heh heh, and I do like feeling as if I’ve accomplished something. And I wouldn’t give a damn if every word he said was a filthy lie, because by gum, it worked. I’m sure Kant or somebody would agree that the ethics were completely justifiable.

My hair is really annoying me today. It’s fine, so it keeps getting messy and tangled, but it’s also too thick to manage. Fine + thick = x_x Maybe I’ll cut it super short like I considered doing a while ago. Like above-my-ears short. I don’t want to look like a boy though. o_O

I’ve decided to postpone getting my nose pierced until after the NY trip, just in case something goes wrong. And although I still think black hair would make me way too pale (sorry Ning), I’m bored of this auburn business and I want to try something new… not sure exactly what, though. Nothing too crazy, and nothing that could be mentioned in the same sentence as “blonde,” but something different, I think. It’s naturally light brown, and I’ve been dyeing it various shades of red-brown for the last few years. I don’t like purplish shades or anything neon, and I tend to migrate toward more natural colours, i.e. not blue or green or pink.

I want laser eye surgery. Contacts are too much trouble, and they dry out my eyes.

Shall go do work now, meaning write fanfic and play Splinter Cell and The Sims 2. And think about starting projects early like a responsible student.

Hahahahahaha NO. PoP = Princess of Procrastination. Which reminds me, I’m probably going to have to raise the rating of my fic to M, 16+, for the chapter I mentioned to Ren, or maybe even the next chapter, for suggestive themes. I feel morally compromised. But I probably shouldn’t. There’s nothing really bad in it anyway; I’ve never written explicit stuff before and I don’t intend to start now.

Chapter 6 is up! I decided to just upload the Farah-chapter as 6, then I’ll do 7, and later on I’ll change things around so that it follows the odd-even pattern of their points of view.

That’s it, I’m putting myself on posting hiatus until I update my goddamned fic! No forums no blog no comments. Oh I shall die. T.T But it’s almost done, I just need to fix a couple things. Unless I decide to upload chapters 6 and 7 in tandem… 7 still needs to be written out, but it would make things less confusing, since I’m actually only adding 6 onto the end of 5… o_O

Cripes, this is confusing. Here I am, trying to continue my fanfiction like a good Kat, but I’m hindered my the bizarre historical innaccuracies of The Sands of Time. I won’t get into all the dynasties and empires and architecture from this-or-that period because it makes my head spin, but while I was researching I found this. It’s an astrolobe, some sort of scientific device from 18th century Persia. I was sure that would be far too late for the game, but the thing is quite obviously the inspiration for the famous defcon logo found throughout TSoT. What were they thinking when they made this, that no one would care about its history? T_T …probably true, but then there are people like me and Hannah who pore over this stuff for our beloved stories. Not to mention the history buffs who can’t figure out what drug the designers were on when they used this certain cuneiform or statue or dome roof, because obviously the Sassinid Empire wouldn’t have had Muslim artistry, etc… o_O I don’t pretend to understand, and I’m past trying to make my story completely historically accurate, but I just want some sort of feasible answer. Just give me the name of a city, Persepolis, Shiraz, Isfahan, whatever. I want to believe something. T.T

Oh, I’m also looking for the Indian word for “faster.” Whatever Farah would have said.

Finished rereading White Oleander today. That book is so freaking beautiful, when I read it I just can’t not write. And while I’m sorely tempted to play with a few new ideas I’ve had, I know that my fanfic and the upcoming citywide contest are my highest priorities right now, so that’s what I’ll be doing tonight. *sigh*

In other news, I hate April Fool’s Day. Especially at school. I always have; I don’t like secrets or tricks. I’m somewhat gullible, but also suspicious and insecure. Mostly I just hate feeling unsmart — I’ve always been the naïve one, the youngest (from skipping a grade), someone people inexplicably feel they need to protect. I’m small, young-looking, and the baby of the family; everyone assumes I’m innocent, childish even, and then I inevitably get to deal with their shattered preconceptions when I don’t act like the pure angel they expected. But sometimes I just get damned tired of feeling lower than other people. I can’t stand it when information is deliberately kept from me — both important things and silly highschoolish secrets. It makes me feel dull-witted. (I felt smarter once I deciphered the secret, so it wasn’t too bad in the end, but those clams didn’t want me to ever know. I would have resented it, and them, until it left my conscious thoughts and settled down somewhere, a small factor that vaguely bothered me although I couldn’t remember why.)

A note to Ren and Mav: Stop worrying. The above rant doesn’t even have to do with j00.